Touch Your Self Help
Touch Your Self Help: On Living Longer
By Chad Fifer
Jul 9, 2008

1.    Stop talking shit.

2.    Try to wake up at least once every day.

3.    If you are next in line to be king, invest in a good food-taster. Bullet-catchers, dagger-sniffers, and poison-gulping mini-men who fit inside your ear are also good to have on staff.

4.    Stop petting dogs you don't know.

5.    Stop punching the ones you do.

6.    Live alone and max out your credit cards. They may not mention it in their commercials, but MasterCard offers an "extended life plan" for clients with no family to assume their debt. A weekly injection of immortality serum? Fifty dollars. An eternity of minimum payments at 24 percent interest? Priceless.

7.    Always wear your seat belt, especially when you're in your car.

8.    Be nice to your appliances. You never know when your George Foreman grill will become self-aware and hungry for man-flesh.

9.    Never bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact, if anybody ever invites you to a gunfight, just send the knife along with your regrets.

10.   Exercise at least three times a week. The rest of the week, don't die.

11.   Walking is great exercise, but high-rise piano delivery day is a good day to take the bus.

12.   Wouldn't you love it if a shark crashed down through your ceiling and thrashed around aimlessly in your living room? No? Oh, well, then maybe you should stay out of the ocean, asshole. Nobody invited you.

13.   Get married! Studies show that married men live, on average, 10 years longer than nonmarried men. You may want to check these studies out for yourself, though. They could have just been written by some bitches looking for a handout. Bitches are always writing studies. I don't know why.

14.   Never, ever walk under a ladder made of acid.

15.   The giant tortoise can live for about 177 years in captivity. So eat one. It might do something. Who knows? It's not like they're hard to hunt. They're huge and they're slow.

16.   Try not to be huge and slow.

17.   According to a February 2002 study in the Archives of General Psychiatry, people who sleep more than eight hours per night have a significantly higher death rate than normal. So stop thinking about all of those jail-rape nightmares as a bad thing. You're going to be waking up in a cold sweat for many, many years to come, sweetheart...

18.   Get a dog or a cat. Pet owners consistently demonstrate lower blood pressure, recover better from illnesses, and are generally less prone to depression and loneliness. Of course, one should avoid those pets that have acquired a taste for man-flesh. Because they will eat you. Flesh first.

19.   According to a Harvard study, Asian women in Bergen County, NJ have the longest average lifespan of any racial group in the country – about 91 years. So... try to be one of those ladies, if you can. And finally...

20.   Laugh a little every day. Here's a good one to get you started:

Fella: Every time I close my eyes, I see a flock of giant black birds flying toward me with gleaming red eyes, desperate to rip me to pieces with their razor-sharp talons and carry me off to their master – Death himself.

Lady: My God, that's horrible. Have you seen a psychiatrist?

Fella: No, just birds.

More of Chad Fifer's incredibly insightful self-help advice can be found here.

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