We're told that saying "thank you" is just good manners, but can it also destroy lives?
Last year around this time, I received a lovely thank you note in the mail from a former acquaintance, a young woman whom I'd helped through the grief of her mother's passing. I was so touched by the note she sent that I responded with my own note, thanking her for taking the time out to thank me. After a month had passed and she didn't respond in kind, thanking me for thanking her, I wrote another note openly wondering where she got off being so ungrateful. She replied by keying my car, and I haven't talked to that bitch since.
Thanking people - is it the new AIDS?
Maybe that question makes no sense, but it's worth putting out there. Year after year, the government forces us to shirk our responsibilities on Thanksgiving, gather with our families and express gratitude for our many blessings. At no point, however, do our elected representatives warn us about the many dangers of such gratitude.
In my sessions with clients, I often talk about "weightless" expressions such as "thank you." Let me give you an example. One night, after an intense lovemaking session, a man holds his lover in his arms and whispers "thank you" in her ear. His intent is to express how grateful he is that they've shared such a magical experience, but the words immediately set off a number of alarms for the woman. "Why is he thanking me?" she thinks. "Is he trying to say that I don't 'put out' enough?" Or, perhaps, if it's early in their relationship: "Does this guy have such low self-esteem that he doesn't feel like he deserves this? He has to thank me for sleeping with him? What a loser! I'm going to sleep with his best friend instead!" Because he has used a weightless expression, the other person has gone ahead and attached weight to it - bad weight, like the weight hanging over your belt right now. Had the man simply carried on as if he deserved the nookie, then sent flowers the next day, his friend wouldn't have gotten the girl. That's because sending flowers is some "heavy shit," the term I use for expressions actually rooted in positive action.
Incidentally, this is also the true story behind "The Girl is Mine" by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Paul was the idiot who said "thank you."
Such weightless expressions infest daily life. When I sneeze and somebody says "bless you," my first thought is often "who the hell do you think you are?" One moment, there's just a regular guy sitting next to me on the bus. The next moment, he's pretending to be a deity who can bestow favors upon me. In olden times, when real deities did masquerade as humans, this might have been acceptable, but in modern times it would be much more appropriate for the stranger to hug me after a sneeze, which actually demonstrates his favor, even if it's against my will and he smells like old salad. "I'm sorry" is similarly weightless. When people say they're sorry, I immediately add weight to the expression, assuming that they really mean "I've heard enough of your complaining, now please shut up." When my clients do something to offend me, which they often do, I never allow them to say they're sorry. Instead, I insist that they show their regret by slowly removing their blouses and crying. By the way, I am NOT a chauvinist - if the client is male, a blouse is provided for him.
On the holiday of Thanksgiving, we are urged to give thanks to God or Providence or whatever for allowing us to enjoy so bounteous a country as the U.S.A. We say "thank you" to the sky, but actually demonstrate our gratitude by devouring an animal and falling asleep in recliners - hardly a relevant effort. Vegetarians are even worse, attempting to fool the gods by constructing their animal from tofu. This weightless expression of thanks is doubtless taken the wrong way by mother nature, who probably attaches all kinds of crazy negative meanings to it, being a woman and everything. I don't want to say that this weightless gratitude leads to all of the horrible natural disasters we are experiencing in the world, but I will suggest it earlier in this sentence.
What is a "weighty" but easy way to express gratitude? It's a good question, and I'm glad I posed it. Aside from simple things like sending flowers, I use a concept I call "The Boomerang" to show my appreciation to others. Basically, rather than directly thanking a person for something they've done, I instead do it indirectly by praising them in conversation with a third party who likes to gossip. When my words eventually get back to the person I want to thank, they seem more authentic. Think about it. When somebody is nice to your face, don't you suspect that they're just being polite, or even trying to get something out of you? Yet, hearing that the same somebody is talking you up behind your back can lead to instant, immense feelings of self worth. Somehow, your gratitude becomes more real. Now that’s some heavy shit.
So, this Thanksgiving, don’t bother giving thanks to your loved ones or chosen deity at dinner. Just skip out on the whole thing. Instead, use The Boomerang and go talk them up over dinner with some gossipy strangers. You may get in trouble over the short term, but when the nice things you say get around, you’ll be back in the good graces of your loved ones and, if you’re lucky, you’ll even get into heaven.*
*No, you won’t.
More of Chad Fifer's self-help advice can be found here.
