Jude Law Apologizes Jude Law Apologizes

The Weekly Memo
Jude Law Apologizes
By Chad Fifer
Jul 20, 2005

From: Jude Law

To: The British Press Association

Re: I'm Sorry

Following the reports in today's papers, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna and the people most close to us. I want to publicly apologize to Sienna and our respective families for the pain that I have caused.

But that's not all.

I would also like to apologize to the woman with whom I cheated, our former nanny, Daisy Wright. Although it hasn't been made public yet, Daisy should know that I cheated on her as well during our brief affair. All of those visits to the bathroom to "shave," well — those were just excuses to meet up with the gardener, Ethel Plumb. I am deeply humiliated not only for having snogged a frail, confused woman over twice my age, but also for having made her climb the trellis to get to me.

This brings me to Mr. Plumb, to whom I must express my deepest apologies as well. Principally, of course, for having snogged his wife and inadvertently caused the fall that broke her hip, but also for having cut the head off of his dog. While Mr. Plumb was nothing but the most excellent chauffeur during my stay in New Orleans, I simply could no longer stand his young schnauzer's accusing gaze during those long drives to the set of All the King's Men — it was as if it could sense my shame.

Naturally, I would like to publicly apologize to my three children, not only for leaving their mother Sadie after falling for Sienna, getting engaged to Sienna after begging the children to accept her as a "second mummy," then allowing one of them to find me in bed with the nanny, but also for sending pieces of the dog's head to each of them in brightly wrapped boxes. This was, of course, meant in jest, but, to my eternal shame and humiliation, was received with screams, crying, and intense psychological scarring.

I should also take this opportunity to inform my children that late last year, I cheated on them with another set of children: Rebecca, Robert and Charles. I met these very young siblings during a brief stop at the market one morning, and seeing no adult in the immediate area, decided to throw them in the car and take them to the London Zoo for a look at the monkeys. We had a great time learning about the animals and I bought them all ice cream — not that you want to hear the sordid details. I am very sorry for having secretly played the parent with other children, and only hope that one day my own children will forgive me.

I am also sorry to Rebecca, Robert and Charles for leaving them at the zoo. I hope they were found and returned home safely. Especially since I'd locked them in with a panther.

Let's see, what else? Uh... Oh, I really must apologize to the Special Olympics for laughing at its competitors, and also for attempting to seize hostages during its 2003 games in Ireland. I know it's unrelated, really, but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't know why I did that.

Last but not least, I must apologize to my fans, especially to the young ladies who run JudeLawFan.net. I know that seeing me in this light — as a cheating, dog-killing child abductor must dampen your appreciation of my talent, and it fills me with unequaled shame, embarrassment and self-revulsion to know that I am responsible. This is why I will shortly be sending you all personal invitations to join me for dinner — one-on-one, of course — so that I may patch up my reputation with each of you personally. Discretion is very important, however, so please don't keep a diary or tell my fucking fiancée about it.

Once again: sorry, shame, embarrassment, pain, love my family and all of that.

Thank you,

Jude