The Weekly Memo
A G8 Summit Background Exclusive
By Suzanne Shepard
Jun 7, 2007

U.S. President George W. Bush arrived early for the 2007 Group of 8 Summit Heiligendamm, Germany on Wednesday, to have a private lunch with Chancellor Angela Merkel before commencement of the summit program.  The subject of the tete a tete was Chancellor Merkel’s desire to reach G8 agreement on the reduction of global emissions to 50% below 1990 levels by 2050. The devil, of course, is in the details as negotiated via email by aides to the aforementioned parties.

June 1st 2007 2:05am
To: Mitzi Mueller, assistant to Thomas de Maziere, Chief of Staff to the German Chancellor
From: Danielle McNamara, assistant to White House Chief of Staff Andy Card
Subject: Pre G8 one on one


So sorry to be getting back to you so late on the luncheon invite.  Everything is finally a go. I received your fax with the new menu. Thank you so much for adding a grilled cheese sandwich- the President likes to see that some things are universal, it certainly will help with small talk. Nice touch.  

Also thanks for the data sheet with Ms. Merkel’s particulars.  Governs world’s third largest economy, first leader from former East Germany, holds a doctorate in Physical Chemistry, text messages her constituents.  Consider us debriefed.  

Side note: Have you seen new French PM’s Sarkozy’s family photos? He’s totally shorter than his wife.  So French.

Now, on to more delicate matters. Without directly promising, I can almost guarantee no physical contact beyond a handshake.  Let’s just say the youtube clip of the Daily Show’s coverage of last year’s summit has been heavily forwarded around the West Wing.  I don’t think either of us wants to read anything about surprise shoulder rubs in the daily briefings. Although Stewart’s quip that the Chancellor’s reaction “was a move she learned in date rape prevention class” is hysterical.  

At least I think so. Although I have never been date raped. Now that I’m married I guess I’m only eligible for regular rape - which luckily has lower statistics in an industrialized nation.  

How do you like my stab at German humor? Am I anywhere close?

You’re such a good sport, Mitz.  I can’t believe this is finally organized! Can you?  I’ll miss our back and forth eems.  Looks like I’ll get home in time to catch my husband at online poker.  Wish me luck!


June 1st 2007
To: Danielle McNamara
From: Mitzi Mueller
Subject: Pre G8 one on one


I am happy to learn the lunch is planned.  I can finally sleep peacefully knowing your President will have a private opportunity to refuse U.S. cooperation in meeting global environmental standards.  

Almost, but not quite on the attempt at Teutonic humor.  I heard a joke today about the inevitable nuclear apocalypse and a Turkish tobacconist but I don’t think it translates well in English.  I learned my lesson fall semester at Carlton College in 1995.  I still don’t understand why “I’ll take the brown one” isn’t funny. He was a really good dancer.  

Taking a file to Das Shredder.  Do the same mein freund.

I’ll miss your Perez Hilton references and first world entitlement. All my friends hate themselves.


June 2nd, 2007
To: Mitzi Mueller
From: Danielle McNamara
Subject: King George

You were the German girl at Carlton?  I went to St. Cloud’s! Class of 1996.  We totally heard about you.  Haha. Just kidding. Every school has a story of a German exchange student/au pair.  The girl at SMU my year was rumored to have an inverted penis. Don’t take it personally; I think she was actually Austrian.

Had a moment and just wanted to say, what’s up? You’re so funny, Mitzi.  Really, a breath of fresh air.   My friends all seem to think the Supreme Court is headed in the right direction. Looks like I may not be long at this job. Lots of re-staffing around here.  Lame duck doldrums I guess. That and the casual statement I made in the lunchroom about how underrated Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s dissenting arguments are.

It’s ok.  I’m sure I can find another job clerking for a succubus somewhere.
Big D

To: Danielle McNamaraFrom: Mitzi Mueller
Subject: Das Boot


Try having socialist tendencies under a leader who is putting a ‘face on globalization.’ It’s a job.  Do it until they tell you to stop. Then go to People magazine.  For another job, not to sell your story. You’d be a natural.

I’m joking of course.  Maybe it doesn’t translate. If I said what I really felt, I would explode.

Auf Wiedersehn.


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