The Weekly Memo
Resolutions: A Pain in the Neck
By Chad Fifer
Dec 20, 2006

From: Jerry Washington, VP of Marketing, Wash-n-Go

To: Corey Walks, VP of Marketing, Sudsies

Re: New Years Resolutions

December 20th, 2006

Hey Corey - Happy Holidays!

Hope you and the family are doing well at this "most wonderful time of the year." I especially hope that you're recovering quickly since we last saw each other at the LaundroCon in Chicago. You've made it very, very clear that no further apologies are necessary for what I did to you, but I just had to write one more time to tell you how sorry I really am. I never should have karate chopped you in the neck as hard as I did. In fact, I shouldn't have karate chopped you in the neck at all.

That's what this memo is really about, Corey. I thought you should know that this year I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to make a New Year's Resolution. Sure, I know that these things are almost always doomed to fail, but I feel really good about this decision. I'm telling you, Corey – I'm going to make this resolution WORK!

Therefore, I solemnly swear that starting on January 1, 2007, I will never karate chop a person in the neck again.

I'm sorry to say, you weren't the last to receive a chop to the neck this last month, Corey, but I regretted yours the most. Watching your toupee spin from your head as you scrunched up your shoulders and yelped, well... I don't care how hard those fellas from Maytag laughed, I woke up the next day feeling like a first class heel.

So there it is. I've thrown down "me gauntlet." The next time you hear from me, I'll be a changed man.

Your friend,

Jerry

***

From: Jerry Washington, VP of Marketing, Wash-n-Go

To: Corey Walks, VP of Marketing, Sudsies

Re: Day One!

January 1st, 2007

Hey there, Corey. Just wanted to check in and let you know how I'm doing with my resolution. As of last night at midnight, I have not karate chopped a single soul in the neck and I feel GREAT!

I woke up this morning, did my usual 45 minute cardio routine, ate my usual low fat breakfast and then took advantage of the day off to start in on my taxes. And not once during these routine tasks did I feel the urge to karate chop a throat. Not once!

I tell you, Corey – I'm a new man!

***

From: Jerry Washington, VP of Marketing, Wash-n-Go

To: Corey Walks, VP of Marketing, Sudsies

Re: "Hump" Day

January 3rd, 2007

Woof. Day three. This is supposed to be the tough one. That's what the smokers say, anyhow. I wouldn't know about that, of course, since I don't smoke and have never felt the urge. I don't think that it applies to me anyway, as I'm feeling really good about my neck-chopping abstinence, although I will say, I'm having some strange dreams.

The worst one was this morning. I had a dream that a police officer had pulled me over for speeding, and I was really nervous, because I had been drinking that evening. Of course, I'd only had one glass of red wine, with a nice meal in the company of friends, and had waited the requisite amount of time based on my weight to metabolize the substance, but still – I was afraid he might smell it on my breath and get the wrong idea.

And, of course, that's exactly what happened. He asked me to roll the window down, then stuck his head inside the car and took a big whiff. I started to panic, but then my eyes rolled across the glossy white of his helmet, right down to his exposed neck, and CRACK! I karate chopped him in the neck so hard that his helmet fell off and he vomited right into it!

Thankfully, my alarm woke me up, at 6:30, when I get up every day. I was sweating, ashamed of myself. I couldn't believe that I'd already broken my resolution. It took a full five minutes for me to realize that it was only a dream. A blessed, ridiculous dream. I tell you, Corey – I was so relieved I felt like I could have flown all the way to work. Of course, I instead woke up, did my cardio, made the bed, told my wife I love her, and spent a few minutes helping my kids with their last minute homework before peddling off to the office on my bicycle in order to save energy and the planet.

In short, I'm hanging in there. I hope you're proud of me.

Your friend,

Jerry

***

From: Jerry Washington, VP of Marketing, Wash-n-Go

To: Corey Walks, VP of Marketing, Sudsies

Re: One Week Strong

January 10th, 2007

A week and a half, more like it. I'm still feeling great – and I think other people are already starting to notice. Every time I take a short break from my diligent, well-organized work at the office, a coworker comments on how happy I look. And why not? I am happy! I just can't wait until all of the neck braces finally come off around the office, so that everybody can look as happy as me. Why, I don't think that my secretary Joan has been able to turn her head toward me without using her whole torso for ten years! I just don't know how everybody put up with me, the saints.

Anywho, I'm still having some strange dreams. Last night it was this real kooky sci-fi scenario, where all of the neighbors on my block suddenly turned into zombies! I just couldn't believe it – the very people that I make an effort to get to know better every day – they wanted to kill me. Well, I'll tell you – a few well-placed chops to the neck took care of that bunch. I woke up so excited!

Of course, when I realized what I'd been doing in my dream, I felt ashamed. As I did my morning weight training and began reading a classic novel over a healthy breakfast, I told myself that I couldn't get lazy with this resolution thing, or it will get the better of me.

Well, that's enough from my side. Hope the laundry business is finding you well over there!

Hej Da,

Jerry

P.S. – That "good-bye" above is in Swedish – I'm finally getting around to learning it.

***

From: Jerry Washington, VP of Marketing, Wash-n-Go

To: Corey Walks, VP of Marketing, Sudsies

Re: A bit of a slip-up

January 19th, 2007

Hey buddy,

Things were going along really well there, I swear. And I think that's the problem – I started to get cocky.

Well, long story short, I had a little relapse. I didn't even see it coming. I was taking my lunch hour at the art museum, which I do about every other Thursday, just sitting in front of a gorgeous Fauve style landscape, writing down the cost of my admission to the museum in my planner, as I do with all my expenses, when somebody sat down next to me. It was one of the museum guards, a short older woman who had been standing only a moment before in the entranceway to the exhibit. She nodded at me, smiled, and then rubbed at her legs, letting me know that she was only taking a short break, I suppose.

I only wish that she hadn't given me that little nod. A swift, tiny movement that made the turkey-flesh of her throat flex and relax so arrogantly...

WHAM! KARATE CHOP!

She collapsed immediately to the ground, one hand held tight to her neck. I stood up, surprised at what I'd done, apologizing. But her eyes were not angry. Only confused. She reached toward me with her free hand and squealed out one word, which echoed off of the vast museum walls.

"Why?"

I ran out of the museum and all the way back to the office, the echoes of her inquiry nipping at my heels. I would have gone on a binge right then and there if I hadn't caught my own reflection in the glass doors of the building – trim, toned but not overdeveloped, with regularly laundered clothes and a general air of good health, but with a MADMAN'S EYES!

Truly – seeing myself like that has given me even more resolve to stick with my resolution. I may have fallen off the horse, but I'm just going to climb right back up and gallop off into the sunset. You just watch me!

Hope you're doing well,

Jerry

***

From: Jerry Washington, VP of Marketing, Wash-n-Go

To: Corey Walks, VP of Marketing, Sudsies

Re: I'm sorry

January 24th, 2007

Corey – how in the heck was I supposed to know that that was you? You've never told me that you volunteer for children's organizations! If I had known that it was you standing in front of me waiting to donate plasma, do you think I would have ever karate chopped you in the folds of your fat neck? You just can't pull that kind of thing on a guy!

Okay, so now you know. I've been going through kind of a rough time. A temporary set back. I still want to carry out the resolution. It's just that... I had a really good start and everything, and then I started messing up here and there, karate chopping a few necks a week. It just sort of steamrolled from there, and then, well, I just need to get it out of my system for a while. Then I'll start fresh, I promise. It's not like I'm that terrible. At least I don't karate chop necks 24-7. There are some guys that do that, you know. Out on the street – karate chopping. Necks.

I'm sorry, Corey. I know I must have disappointed you. But it's not going to happen again. I swear! Look – it's going to be February 1st in just a couple of days. It's a new month! A new chance! Another day that's actually labeled #1. It's a perfect time to restart my resolution.

Don't be so sore, eh?

Your friend,

Jerry



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