From: President Bush of America

To: President Assad of Syria

Re: Let's Agree to Disagree

Listen man-

It is my opinion that Israel may have reacted a little strongly when Lebanon took those prisoners – went a little what we call ape-shit here in the States – dropped one or two more bombs than necessary. But at the end of the day, my opinion is also that Israel is a winner. And when someone's a winner – well, that means they've won something.

And what Israel has won is the war.

Now, that's been my opinion since the cease fire – that Israel came out ahead and took out Hezbollah's gorillas strategically and heroically. And I said that you people in Syria and those other folks in Iran should be a little ashamed of yourselves for supporting those gorillas in the first place. Gorillas can't fight without support. Everybody knows that about gorillas. You should go read some books about gorillas.

And okay - I figured you and President Ahmadinejad over there in Iran might get a little uptight about what I said, and I'd hear a whole bunch of crap about how America's the devil and how Israel's in our back pocket and how I'm basically incompetent and blah blah blah. But what I DIDN'T think I'd hear as I sat on the toilet having an aide read me the scroll at the bottom of the TV screen was that you boneheads would say that Hezbollah and the gorillas were the ones who won the war. Won the war?

No WAY, you guys! Hezbollah totally LOST. Way more people got killed in Lebanon than in Israel. And yeah – a lot of those people were civilians, I know, but whatever – look at the damn score! It's who gets the highest score that matters! If the basketball goes through the hoop by accident, the points still count, know what I'm saying? It's the same kind of scorekeeping policy that tells me we're winning in Iraq. Numbers count, people!

He he – numbers count. Numbers. Count. Count numbers. Count Dracula. I'm makin' puns.

Anyway, I was just about to hike up my pants and step out in front of the cameras on the White House lawn so you two axis of evil types could see what a winner really looks like when two things happened. First, my wallet slipped out of my pocket into the bidet next to the toilet. That bidet thing confuses me – it's like a weird little drinking fountain for ladyparts. It was gross that my wallet was in there, and that was one thing that distracted me.

Second, my aide read a news item from the scroll that made my heart skip a beat – a saucy tango beat. I don't know if you heard, but the new contestants for Dancing with the Stars were announced today – and number one among them was none other than TUCKER CARLSON, that weenie "right-wing" telejournalist in the bow tie. Well, that little fagatron is supposed to represent a conservative voice on the TV news, but I'll tell you something – he wrote some shit about me when I was Governor of Texas that I will never forget. Published in a magazine that I use profanity all the time on my campaign, the little liar.

So at first I was pissed that I was gonna have to watch that Orville Redenbacher-lookin' motherfucker wiggle his ass across the flat screen for a whole season, when my aide followed up that news with the fact that one of his opponents was none other than HARRY HAMLIN! That's right, bitch – PERSEUS from Clash of the Titans.

Honestly, do you think Tucker Carlson can learn to cha-cha better than the guy who beat down Medusa AND the Kraken? It's gonna be a bloodbath wrapped in a bow tie. Hamlin, who I do believe is a former Sexiest Man Alive as well, is gonna do the dance equivalent of a shiv in the ribs to that little pussy. And when Tucker goes down, well guess what?

Everybody wins.

Now, I hope that I have made my opinion clear in this matter, and that our respective countries can stop bickering about wins and losses in the press. The important thing is that the fighting has stopped. There is much work to be done, now, gentlemen, as we attempt to heal the wounds in the Middle East.

I hope that we can all reach our shared goals of democracy and nuclear disarmament.

Yours,

W

****

From: President Assad of Syria

To: President Bush of America

Re: Let's Agree to Disagree

Syria will agree to disagree with you on one condition: that you reveal the exact nature of this "fagatron" technology you mention, and share its awesome power with the Muslim leaders of the Middle East.

Otherwise, we totally hope Tucker wins.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sincerely,

The Terrorists or whatever