Three teams of artists and scientists have used forensic techniques to reconstruct the face of ancient ruler King Tut, and his feminine appearance has got Christian conservatives fighting mad!
To: Public Relations Dept.
From: Pat Robertson, founder and chairman, The Christian Broadcasting Network
Re: King Tut Looks Gay
Well, my friends, it appears the scientists are up to it again — using their "technology" to promote a Godless agenda. No, this isn't about teaching the theory of evolution to our schoolchildren (something I'm not opposed to, so long as they also teach that it might have happened when a giant man in the sky had a free week). This is about King Tut, that most famous of mummies, and how they've managed to gay him all up.
You've probably seen the images in the papers — bald little head, dark skin, pouty lips, eyeliner. It almost makes me want to kiss him. Disgusting. Well, since George Bush is spending all his time down in Georgia making speeches for some reason, it's up to us to put a stop to this. I want press releases, lobbyists, the works! Let's get that gay little Egyptian kid out of the papers now!
First of all, why would anybody want to know what an Egyptian king looks like anyway? Don't the scientists know that these are the people who persecuted Moses? They're the original terrorists, in my opinion. Certainly, they don't deserve to get their own Glamour Shots. Why not do a CT scan of the Shroud of Turin instead and get a nice-looking photo of Jesus? I know we could all do with a good wallet-size of the Lord!
There's a talking point: "Scientists Hate Jesus."
And what's with the makeup? I got a CT scan a couple years back for some sinus problems I was having, and I'm pretty sure it didn't come up with me wearing a bunch of eye gunk. I'll bet that in the full body scan, they've got him carrying a purse and wearing a cock ring. This is clearly the workings of the homosexual agenda. For years, I've thought that the gays were in league with the scientists. First they say that being gay might be in your genes. Then there was that chemist in the 1800s named Gay-Lussac — you think that was an accident? This whole Tut thing just puts the nail in the coffin.
You know, as I look at this picture of King Tut a little more closely — he really looks a lot like Marc Almond from Soft Cell. That's probably on purpose, too. Lord knows that every time I hear "Tainted Love" on the radio it makes me want to kiss a guy. Disgusting.
In this article I'm looking at, it also says that the scientists are so excited about these King Tut results that they want to go on and scan a whole bunch of other mummies. Can you imagine? Gay mummies in every museum in America. Next they'll be adding a Pharaoh to The Village People. And what if something goes wrong? Say someone spills a Coke on the scanning machine and all these mummies start coming to life? Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but so does a talking snake who sells apples, and that actually happened. Scanning mummies! Next they'll be scanning a bunch of Draculas and Frankensteins!
Maybe that could be a talking point: "Scientists might as well scan Draculas." Robert, could you do some punch-up on that? People are scared of Draculas.
I've already spoken with Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family, and he intends to throw the full weight of his organization behind the stance that scientists are trying to use King Tut to promote homosexuality. You'll remember that Dr. Dobson was able to successfully insinuate that Spongebob Squarepants is queer, in much the same way that Jerry Falwell was able to knock Tinky Winky out of the closet. Well — it's high time that Pat Robertson step up to the plate and contribute to the paranoia. Get it in the news, folks: "King Tut — Male Slut!"
I'm telling you, the world was better off when everybody just assumed that King Tut looked like Steve Martin. He was so cute in that little gold outfit, it just made me want to kiss him.
Sincerely,
Pat
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