Sensei John Kreese wishes Cobra Kai students Happy Holidays while reinforcing the dojo's core value of "No Mercy."
(Editor's note: This week we inaugurate The Weekly Memo, a revealing look at the private correspondence of our greatest public figures. Enjoy.)
To: All Students
From: John Kreese, Executive Director and Sensei, Cobra Kai
Re: Happy Holidays!
Well, it's that time of year again, and on behalf of all Cobra Kai teachers, employees and our owner Terry Silver, I would like to wish you and your families the very best this holiday season. It's been a great year, and I'm thankful that our dojo is blessed with such talented and motivated students. You all truly "rule."
I'd also like to take this opportunity to reinforce some of Cobra Kai's core values. Every holiday season, we are inundated with messages of peace, charity and mercy. At times, these messages can be hard to resist. But resist we must, for at Cobra Kai we do not train to be merciful. Mercy is for the weak. This is illustrated in the three points of the Cobra Kai "Way of the Fist":
These values are what make Cobra Kai great, and should guide you as you celebrate this holiday season. Remember what I told that greasy old Japanese janitor back in '84: "This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don't come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now get your boy on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem." Words to live by — if ANYBODY drops a challenge on you as you gather with your families, I recommend that you put them OUT OF COMMISSION. I've found that this is best done by sweeping the leg.
Speaking of dropping challenges, Cobra Kai humbly asks that you drop your unwanted canned goods and unwrapped toys in the large blue box by the front door as you enter the dojo. These items will be given to less fortunate families for Christmas, then taken away and thrown in the garbage. Please do your part.
Now, moving on to less pleasant business. It has long been the policy of Cobra Kai that fear, pain and defeat do not exist in this dojo. I would like to extend this policy in the new year to include foot odor. Really, guys — it's getting ridiculous. Even my car keys smell like feet. The best way to dispel the bacteria that causes foot odor is by washing frequently, wearing socks made of natural fibers, and buying vented shoes, such as sandals. SHOW NO MERCY TO FOOT ODOR!
Has anybody seen my green headband? I put it down by the trophy case and now it's gone.
Finally, some sad news. Many of you may know Johnny Lawrence, my former pupil whose shameful loss twenty years ago at the All Valley Karate Championship caused Cobra Kai to shut down for a while. Well, although I have refused to speak to the boy since, I do from time to time check in with his mother, who is really a sweet lady and an awfully good fighter. Unfortunately, it seems that Johnny passed away this last October, and by "passed away" I mean hung himself with his Karate belt in his mother's basement where he pathetically continued to live. Cobra Kai asks that you pray for Johnny's family in this time of crisis, although I must remind you that this is the sort of outcome you can all expect if you are WEAK like Johnny. Life will show YOU no mercy if you cry and carry on and act like little girls. So start acting like men or you'll all die alone, ugly and unloved, probably by your own faggy hands.
The Weekly Memo is a biweekly behind-the-scenes look at the revealing correspondence of our most fascinating thinkers, leaders, celebrities, and weirdoes.