As Phil Spector awaits trial, he turns in his darkest hour to the only man who truly knows his pain: O.J. Simpson.
Editor's Note: Normally, Joe Dungan handles the L.A. Nuts column ever other Friday. Today, as part of The Simon’s occasional column-switch, he’ll be tackling The Weekly Memo. Enjoy.
From: Phil Spector
To: O.J. Simpson
Re: Murder Accusation
Dear Mr. Simpson,
You don’t know me, because you’re not a musician or a young woman who’s impressed with power. My name is Phil Spector and I’m a renowned music producer. In fact, you’ve probably seduced women in your home to music that I’ve produced, and I’m happy to have helped you with that. Now I need some help from you.
It seems that some people here in Los Angeles are really going to try me for murder, all because I may have shot a woman. I also may have told a cop, “I didn’t have to shoot her” and they’ve decided to use that against me too. And it doesn’t help matters that another cop did a lengthy investigation, then gave a really incriminating quote to a reporter. I think it was, “Phil Spector shot her.”
They’re also digging into my past for dirt. They plan on telling everyone that I like guns and like to point them at people on a regular basis. I thought this was America. Hasn’t anybody read the Second Amendment?
I’m writing to you because I don’t trust lawyers. Yes, first I had Robert Shapiro, the guy who got you off. That seemed like a good idea until I realized that I didn’t remember hiring him. So I fired him, but I don’t remember doing that, either. All I remember about him is that he charged me a million dollars. So I tried to sue him just to give him a taste of his own medicine. Then I hired Leslie Abramson. She called me an idol and an icon. So I fired her too. I can get women to toss compliments at me for free whenever I want.
This thing has been delayed for four years now, and for a while I figured that if I could keep it up long enough, I could die of old age on one million dollars’ bail, which is a lot cheaper than hiring lawyers to get me off. But every time I fire a lawyer, I have to hire another one. I decided that at this rate, I’d go bankrupt before I die of old age. I have to get some sage advice from a celebrity who’s been in my shoes, and Robert Blake is clearly a putz. That leaves you.
So tell me, how does a celebrity who looks guilty get acquitted?
Most sincerely, Phil Spector
P.S. You make one crack about my hair and I’ll point a gun at you until you wet your pants.
* * *
From: O.J. Simpson
To: Phil Spector
Re: Murder Trial Advice
Phil, be cool, man. First, let me reassure you: You can win this. If a double-murder suspect can leave a long goodbye note and then get caught fleeing to the Mexican border with a huge wad of cash only to end up getting acquitted, then anyone can get acquitted. So what if you may have accidentally said, “I didn’t mean to shoot her.” That was years ago. Juries forget things like that.
Speaking of which, you’re lucky to be in Los Angeles, the international capital of dumb jurors. As you watch the jury selection, try not to let your jaw fall open. A few of them might pick up on it and get offended. But not likely. Jurors in L.A. are really dumb.
You also have the telltale sign of a dumb judge: He wants to televise the trial. In fact, I read that he delayed your trial because he accidentally scheduled two trials at the same time. It just proves something I learned during my trial: The judges in L.A. are even dumber than the jurors. (Just wait and watch. You’ll see too.)
Best of all, you’ll probably end up facing a dumb prosecuting team. The jurors are dumb and the judges are dumber, but the prosecuting attorneys in Los Angeles have got to be the dumbest motherfuckers I have ever seen in my life in any line of work anywhere. I bet five bucks right now that one of them tries to get you to “try on the gun” to see if it fits. And when they do, I don’t have to tell you to contort your hand like you have arthritis, then look pleadingly at the judge as if to say, “I can’t get my hand around it.” And since you work in the songwriting business, perhaps you can start jotting down a few catchy two-line rhymes about acquittal that can get stuck in jurors’ heads. (“If he didn’t shoot, the point is moot.” “If he can’t hold it, you gotta fold it.” Okay, those are kind of lame, but I’m not a songwriter. You get the idea.)
Knowing all this, you should already start feeling better. But you still have some work to do.
You do have something of the celebrity factor, but not enough of it. You’re not famous to anyone under age 50 or so. So urge your lawyers to populate the jury with seniors, because they’re more likely to know you and be awestruck. Younger people will just think you’re some creepy old guy on trial for murder. Either way, tell your attorneys to get famous people to testify that you’re really a great guy. Athletes, game show hosts, has-been child stars. Doesn’t matter. As long as they’re somewhat famous and say nice things about you. Even if they just show up and sit in the gallery, that’ll help. There’s nothing like celebrity to turn the average person into an idiot.
At risk of getting shot, I’m glad to see that you’ve lost the Don King hair. Even though you could probably fool a jury into believing that you’re African-American, I doubt it would help. Also, on behalf of African-Americans everywhere, please, just don’t do that anymore.
As for the blond Moe wig, it makes you look ridiculous. This is good. It’s exactly the sort of thing that will take everyone’s mind off all the incriminating evidence. I’d change wigs more and more often as you get closer to a verdict. Consider asking Elton John if you could borrow some of his outfits, too. By then, your hair and clothes will be all anyone is talking about and everyone will forget why they’re there.
As a hedge against being found guilty, go to Israel for a “vacation” right before the verdict. They take any Jewish person indefinitely and they don’t believe in extradition. I discovered this while doing research in advance of my civil trial. The civil trial is important to deal with now too because in case you lose, you’ll have to move someplace where you can hide your assets. Florida is the place for that. Start shopping for houses here now. And let me refer you to my realtor. I could use the referral bonus.
Above all else, try to believe in the criminal justice system in Los Angeles. It works.
P.S. You’re right about Robert Blake. The man’s an embarrassment.
The Weekly Memo is a biweekly behind-the-scenes look at the revealing correspondence of our most fascinating thinkers, leaders, celebrities, and weirdoes.