After besting Katharine McPhee in last night's American Idol finale, Taylor Hicks gave an innocent, enthusiastic shout out to his ever-supportive "Soul Patrol." A memo leaked this morning, however, reveals that the charismatic crooner also released a secret, far more sinister communiqué to these same fans...
From: Taylor Hicks, American Idol
To: All Soul Patrol Members
Re: Our Real Work Begins Now!
Friends, Fans, Devotees...
Years ago, when I first bowed before the charred, leathery body of my eternal master Satan, I never could have imagined that his wisdom would someday propel me to become the fifth American Idol. Not even as I stared into his cold, blood-rimmed eyes, the pigment slowly draining from my hair as those eyes revealed to me the abhorrent, shambling horrors of the universe, could I have envisioned myself on the stage of the Kodak Theater last night, belting my heart out among the likes of Meatloaf and Prince. It was like a dream come true, and I couldn't help but feel that Satan was right there beside me the whole time, dancing about on his goatish legs, smiling his wicked canine smile.
It was so awesome!
But our celebration has only just begun, Soul Patrollers. Now that I have received the highest glory attainable in these United States, it is time to use the power granted me, together with your fanatical devotion, to achieve my true goal: harvesting the souls of the innocent!
Oh, I can just hear you in my mind now, registering your surprise at my dark intentions with some sort of clucking noise or faint gasp. Silence, I say to you. Silence! Taylor Hicks did not let you down as he pursued the title of American Idol, overcoming ageism and the vicious verbal barbs of Simon Cowell to emerge victorious, and Taylor Hicks will not be let down by the Soul Patrol! Nor will he tolerate your impertinent clucking! Be silent, Soul Patrol! WHOOO!
You must see the genius of my plan. According to Seacrest, more than 63 million votes were cast in the American Idol competition. Sixty-three million. That's more than any president of the United States has ever received, ever. This means that there are 63 million fools with delicious souls for us to harvest in the service of my master. And I expect your full collaboration in this matter!
Don't get me wrong – I am eternally grateful for the support that you have granted me throughout this competition, but it is now time for me to take my place as your Idol and sovereign. Your wants and needs are no longer of interest to me. I require only your tributes and blind obedience. In the way of tributes, I will accept the immediate purchase of my upcoming album, attendance at all American Idol concert dates this summer, and the ritual sacrifice of eleven other American Idol contestants from season five. As far as obedience goes, well – I simply want you to help me harvest souls!
Souls!
"But Taylor Hicks," you may ask, "how exactly does one harvest a soul?" Well, it's actually not as easy as it sounds. There are a lot of factors at play. First, you must be sure that the soul you plan to harvest is mature enough – timing is critical. If the soul is too fresh, it is generally of low quality. On the other hand, waiting too long to harvest a soul can increase the risk of damage; the older a soul gets, the more likely it is to be worn down by compromise, missed opportunity and toxic behavior. In general, my master Satan recommends that we select souls between the ages of 19 and 35. A little older is usually okay, but there's definitely a hard cut-off at 50. Satan doesn't want any damn Matlock souls!
Next, there is the matter of extraction. This is really a matter of personal taste. Some prefer to drink the soul through the eyes, while others enjoy inhaling the soul through the mouth while the innocent sleeps. Personally, I like offering my gift of song in return for the delicious soul, belting out, say, a rendition of "You Are So Beautiful" or a rocked-up version of "Living for the City." If this technique does not work, I then usually just split the innocent's skull and extract the soul with my bare hands. Either way, Taylor Hicks gets his soul. Whoo!
Finally, there is the matter of delivery. Once harvested, a soul should be sent directly to me via FedEx at the attached address. Please don't send me any souls through the mail – the post office is like an underground railroad for captive souls. FedEx is the best at containing and delivering fresh souls, right on time. And don't even think about sending your harvested souls directly to Satan. I am your Idol, and I'm the only one who gets the privilege of handing those sweet souls over.
Time to get to work, Soul Patrol! You've brought me this far – I can't wait to see how your crazy devotion pays off now that I've revealed my allegiance to evil!
Sincerely,
Taylor Hicks
The Weekly Memo is a biweekly behind-the-scenes look at the revealing correspondence of our most fascinating thinkers, leaders, celebrities, and weirdoes.
