A spate of recent storms in California have caused massive flooding and forced many residents to evacuate. As more storms threaten the region, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a state of emergency and released a memo containing his advice on how to deal with the danger.
From: Governor Schwarzenegger
To: The People of California
Re: Guidelines for Disaster Safety
Friends, Californians, Constituents, and all kinds of stuff like that,
We are in a state of emergency. If you didn't already know this then you should – I declared it to everybody on Monday because there has been a lot of rain falling all the time in the Northern and Central parts of where we all live. And I issued a very stern warning, which I will repeat again, that our levees have been weakened by all of the storms and floods and stuff like that and are in danger of breaking wide open and destroying everything! It is my job as Governor to make sure that we all remain calm during this time and I'm going to do it! My job!
So, as a follow-up to my declaration, I thought that I should get out some general guidelines for how people should be acting and doing things and stuff like that, and I thought I should get them out now. With a little cool-headed thinking and proper training, I believe that we can get through this without suffering as our fellow Americans did recently in the Gulf region. Okay? Okay. Guidelines – get out! Get out to the people now! GO! DO IT!!
First of all, it is important that we all be aware of what is going on around us in our communities. We should always be reading the news on the TV or the radio so that we can know if the water has broken free and is leaking out of the levees and coming to get us. Of course, don't get this leaking confused with all of the leaking that George Bush is doing all over the place – this poses no danger to California, since he's all the way up in Washington. HA! HA! HA! No, but really – don't get confused because I found out that it's not that kind of leak.
Next, it is important that we all be prepared as well as we can be for any more flooding that may occur. For example, you may want to wear water-wings on your arms all of the time so that you are in no danger of drowning. This is also good because it makes all of you skinnier guys look like you have big muscles when they are all inflated under your clothes. HA! HA! That's a good one. Okay – everybody must also have a plan for evacuating their homes if need be. Already, many people in California have had to leave behind their precious things and valuables and things like that because they were not prepared for the floods. Of course, even with preparation, it is terrible to lose your home to disaster. In my declaration, I urged all state agencies to make staff, equipment and facilities available to help those affected, and I am making sure that we accelerate the flow of state money to our local response agencies. I care about all of you very deeply, and am doing everything in my power to help.
Which is why my last guideline is for everybody to learn how to FIGHT AND DESTROY WATER WITH YOUR BARE HANDS! AAAARGH!!!
That's right. Water may look very strong when it gets all together and gangs up on you, but with the proper training, diet and exercise, even you can make water collapse under the power of your devastating attacks! Listen to me – this is how I do it:
Every morning when I get into the shower and the water comes down at me from the shower head, I slap it away with both of my massive palms in a fast rotating motion, sending the droplets splattering against the walls and the Conan the Destroyer shower curtain. Believe me – some of the droplets used to manage to make it through and hit my pecs and abs, but I can proudly tell you now that I haven't had a wet shower in six months. I am all dry, all the time. And you can do this, too!
Another thing that I like to do every day is go to the swimming pool in my Speedo with a big pitcher of water in my hands. Then, I glare down at the water in the pool while I drink down the entire thing in one massive gulp. When I finish and wipe off my mouth, I point at the water and laugh, letting it know that I feel no regrets for drinking up its friends and brothers. And then, while the pool water is shimmering back and forth in fear and stuff like that, I smash the pitcher on the ground and jump right into the middle of the pool, quickly executing 50 jump kicks. You see, part of the power that water has is that it can slow you down if it surrounds you. This type of activity can give you the advantage against any body of water.
Plus, because of this type of resistance training, my jump-kicks on dry land are even more devastating than you would believe!
Okay, so – these are the kinds of things I do all the time to keep myself properly trained and ready to fight the water if it wants to try to come over and mess with me or the state of California, and I think that everybody should do this, too. I will say, however, that you should also practice some type of meditation or calming exercise as part of your program. Otherwise, water will all of the time make you very angry just by being around. I tell you this now because a few weeks ago one of my children hit me with a water balloon and I threw a sawblade through his head.
I hope that you all will pay attention to what I am telling you and follow these guidelines. If you do, California will be a stronger place, a safer place and things like that, for a really long time.
I am Arnold Schwarzenegger
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