Senator Russell Feingold's call on Monday to censure President Bush over his illegal wiretapping program has gotten a frosty reception from fellow Democrats. However, correspondence released this morning reveals Feingold's plans to attract more supporters for the resolution.
To: All Democratic Senators
From: Senator Russell Feingold (D-Wis.)
Re: A Second Proposal for Censure
All of you were totally ignoring me during the caucus lunch yesterday, and don’t even pretend that you weren’t. Like, nobody left any space for me to sit at their table and just totally ignored me while I wandered around with my tray. I wound up having to sit at that one broken table in the back with Barbara Mikulski. You know – the one who always eats all those cheese fries and then never wipes her mouth? The senator from Maryland? It was gross, guys. It was really gross.
Well, I’m not a total idiot, okay? I know that you’re all just freaked out because I introduced that resolution to censure the president on Monday over all the illegal wiretapping stuff he pulled. You don’t know how to react, right? I mean – it’s easy to come out against the administration’s bad budgeting or those sinister-sounding deals with Arabs over the ports, but it’s a little harder to come straight out against the big guy himself, right?
Well, guess what, guys? Nobody even likes Bush anymore. His approval rating is totally way low right now. And if you guys don’t want to take this opportunity to censure him, then you’re all a bunch of pussies. Seriously. Like, I don’t even know why I hang out with you anymore.
But I’ll tell you what – if you’re having a hard time with it, I’ll make it easier for you. How about we change the proposal so that we can officially censure President Bush and Isaac Hayes? I mean, I think Hayes was totally hilarious as Chef on South Park, but leaving that show just because they made fun of Scientology is way crappy, and everybody totally knows it. I mean, he didn’t say anything when they were making fun of Christians and Jews and Santa Claus – he’s just mad because he’s a Scientologist. And nobody even likes Scientology after listening to Tom Cruise go all nuts about it on couches. Cruise used to be totally cool, too – but I swear to God he’s turning into the next Michael Jackson, right? Seriously.
I don’t want to censure Tom Cruise, though. That’s totally 2005. People are over it.
Did you hear about that Ambien thing, though? It was in the news yesterday. Like, people who take Ambien to help them sleep are getting up in the middle of the night and going to the fridge and binging on Snickers and chicken and pieces of cake without even knowing they’re doing it! Can you imagine?! I mean, here I’ve been eating nothing but a packet of Saltines and a Diet Coke for lunch every day so that I can stay skinny, and meanwhile I could be sleepwalking my way into looking little and fat like Barbara Mikulski with her cheese fries. Not that I take Ambien or anything, but still – that drug’s a public menace, and everybody totally knows it now. Censure Ambien, I say!
Is that enough to get you on board with this resolution to censure a criminal president, or are you still going to keep dodging me in the hall? Huh? How about we also censure evilness, badness, and pet-owners who let their kittens climb into spinning blenders – will that do it? I can keep going. Let’s censure farts left in the elevator, sudden unidentifiable hard bits in a mouthful of food, and grown twins who dress alike. Kidnappers. Sharks. Pat Robertson’s asshole face. I don’t care, let’s censure all of it!
Whatever I have to add, guys – I’ll do it. Just please get on board with this resolution! You can’t run and hide every time the administration talks about the war on terror. I mean, we’re talking about a president who broke the law to spy on Americans. People are mad about what’s going on and expect at least a few of their public representatives to voice that opinion. Plus, I totally hate being ignored! Look at me! I'm beautiful! Look at me!!
Note: Please hold delivery of above memo from Barbara Mikulski of Maryland.
The Weekly Memo is a biweekly behind-the-scenes look at the revealing correspondence of our most fascinating thinkers, leaders, celebrities, and weirdoes.