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They Didn't Get It 2: Gay Terrorists
By The Simon Editors
Oct 11, 2006

At The Simon, we often get letters from readers who didn't pick up on our sly sarcasm. A good example are the many responses to Chad Fifer's satirical article from February, 2004 about gay marriage. Below, in all their glory, are the many responses we received. Was Chad's humor too subtle? Was the mention of dog-men attacking not enough? You be the judge...

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You're an idiot, you know that? How would legalizing gay marriage make people suddenly want to marry their pets? And how is this terrorism? Are the gays killing civilians to get their points across? And how can you think this is a bigger issue than the thousands of american kids who've died in Iraq? You know inter-racial marriages were also said to destroy traditional marriages in the sixties. You're a fucking idiot.

Elise

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I am stumped after reading your article...It was so ridiculous it was funny.  So if you where serious...your a absolute imbecile, but if you are trying to be funny and poignant...you are brilliant!!!!

Ryan

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You seriously need psychiatric help.

Randy

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I just read "Gay Marriage: Why We Must Stop This Terrorist Threat!," and feel stangely compelled to  reply, but I'm not sure why or how. Is Fifer serious, or is he joking? I have a feeling he's both, but I feel a bit unsure. I wouldn't waste too much  time wondering what he means since doesn't really matter.  It's not really an important article, but one thing is important to me -- and that is the negative stereotyping of Muslims. I realize that the entire article plays with stereotypes of one sort or another, and while Fifer may be only poking fun at the stereotype and not Muslims themselves, there are hundreds of movies out there that that do portray Muslims as sneaky villains among other things, and putting those two words together just pounds the image a little bit deeper into peoples' conciousness. Being a "sneaky Muslim" myself, I'd also like to point out that beastiality is forbidden in Islam and the little girl from India in the linked article is not Muslim. She's probably a Hindu, so why didn't Fifer choose to pick on Hindus instead of Muslims who have nothing at all to do with it?

Celeste

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After reading "Gay Marriage: Why We Must Stop This Terrorist Threat!" I
didn't know whether to laugh or vomit.  I'm hoping that the article was
meant to ridicule how stupid it is to even consider amending the
constitution. Gay marrage poses no "threat" to the "fabric" of society.
Allowing Gay marrages would make the U.S., finally, a modern society.  But,
if the opinion stated in the article was real, then I only feel sorry for
Fifer.  His parents were probably leaders of the Ku Klux Klan, and I'd
suggest therapy.

Michelle

***

Hopefully this get's to your eyes one day, if not, Oh well...

First off, i would like to start by asking... Are You serious? A part of me knows you are not but a part of me would like to think you are. It doesn't get anymore RIGHT WINGED then the article you wrote.

Let me ask you this, do you feel that gay couples (male or female) dont have the same rights as anyone else getting married? Do you think just because our outdated constitution defines marriage as being between a man and a women, that people of a different sexual preference should not be allowed the right to get married.

I am a heterosexual man, who has a girlfriend, that i love very much, and both of us feel the same way. "We would rather see a gay couple get married and be happy for the rest of their lives than see any Normal couple getting divorced and being misserable for the rest of their lives."

With the numbers of divorces up and the number of kids being dumped in dumpsters sky-rocketing, i would much rather see a gay couple get married and adopt one of those kids who have been, left behind by dead beat parents, then see that kid being raised by the streets.

In your article you talk about how the future of America will become "soft, fat and weak" When all i see are overweight obesse people in the big SUV's, sipping their 7 dollar coffee and pilling up filters of ciggeretts on our streets. For one, gay people are usually fit and clean people. So in your article you speak of them almost as if they are some other kind of specis, almost on the same level as dog's.

It's very upsetting to me, the reader, that you feel that having church and state together is a good thing. Just that in itself is rediculous. You can't all of a suden decide that the official religion of the united states is roman catholic or christian or whatever you may think it is. It doesn't work that way because, I, the average united states citizen doesn't want to have to deal with issues like this, THE GAY MARRIAGE issue, if there wasn't a religious twist on everything we do, then there wouldn't be a problem going on.

Religion is great, but religion has nothing to do with how our country is run. Religion's are great for anyone and everyone, having faith can be one of the best things in a persons life. But the day that our country starts changing the way that people, weather they be heterosexual or homosexual, get treated. Thats when the line should be drawn.

If these people where selling crack, then i might see a problem with whats going on. But if they want to join together with who ever they may love. They should have the same rights that, YOU and I both have as American Citizens.

In closing i would like to say that your article was very rude, racist and for the most part REDICULOUS.

It was a funny rant but nothing more than that...

Edgar

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This is the most retarded article ever.  What we need to put a stop to is this guy, before he writes anymore articles.

Deanna

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WOW!!
    your and idiot just like our standing president. hate is habitual and as society we keep teaching habitual hate. it saddens me that such people exist. if you only knew how much reading your ugly message hurt. i have done nothing wrong to this society because of my sexual preference nor has my partner of 15yrs we are in a loving and commited relationship. we are truely happy. i pray someday your hate will turn into love and respect for others, hate kills.                      

Mark

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I don't know what kind of drugs you're on.   But to say that if a gay person gets married  is going  cause  the downfall of traditional marriage then perhaps more people  have closet issues then you think.

Catherine

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Yikes! I’m new to your site, and at first I didn’t realize you were writing a parody. Either that or you’re completely insane! ;)  Good work.

Sincerely,

A Non-Threatened, Happily-Married Straight Guy

***

You segregationists will not win the hearts and minds of decent fair minded
people by being clever in your arguments against gay civil rights. We, the
gay children, neighbors, brothers and sisters of all parts of society have
and will continue to speak with the dignity of our lives and the power of
our experience. Up against that, you and your misguided lot (church or no
church) haven't a chance.
The Gay Agenda has already influenced you beyond measure. Though you may
talk a good talk, the very fact that you have to talk about us, think about
us and pour energy into opposing us only goes to show the inexorable
onslaught of our liberation.

You and your kind will continue to fight for a while. But soon you will die
off and the newer generations will take your place - bringing balance to
bare against the remnants of your extremism. We gay people, through the
information age and modernity, have awoken to our basic dignity and worth
and will no longer retreat back into the closeted dark ages of superstitious
medieval world views. We have seen through our own ignorance and know...

1. Happily, saying something and then pointing to some text written in a
book as the ultimate proof of its correctness is absurd.

2. Happily, saying something and then pointing to your own certainty as to
its correctness as the ultimate proof is absurd.

3. Happily, saying something and then pointing out the great number of
others who say likewise as the ultimate proof of its correctness is absurd.

4. Happily, repeatedly repeating one stale argument as the ultimate proof of
its correctness is absurd.

5. Happily, saying something and then confidently shaking your head as you
point out it will be revealed in the end as the ultimate proof of its
correctness is absurd.

6. Happily, saying 'there is only one way to God/Heaven' or 'the Earth is
flat' or 'tomatoes are poisonous' and 'questioning these claims will surely
lead to doom' as the ultimate proof of their correctness is absurd.

7. Happily, refusing to concede defeat of superstitious medieval world views
as more and more of your fellow citizens shed them for modernity/secular
humanism/pragmatism is absurd.

8. Happily, gloating about a battle won (state amendment) while the war is
obviously though slowly being lost (hearts and minds) is absurd.

9. Happily, the gay agenda (equality under the law) is moving inexorably to
adoption. This is right and good and over time more and more churches will
repent and apologize for their misguided cowardly absurd promotion, yet
again, of the doctrine of segregation and ostracization.

10. Happily, this Gay Agenda is not absurd but inspiring and satisfying and
just and surely christ-like beyond measure.

Patrick

***

thid is the most ridiculous, unsupported piece of "journalism" (or at least you call it that in hopes to make yourself feel adequate and justified in your ignorant and intolerant views) i have ever read. looking over it i have yet to find one supported argument or relevant fact. my personal favorite is "The only children not being neglected by their parents are those adopted by gay couples, and obviously nobody wanted them anyway. And because these foster rejects are raised by homos, they grow up all swishy and pacifist." ignorance, displayed so clearly in this passage is the true terrorism of our nation. if you cant see the need for tolerance in this nation of hate than i am sorry for you.

ridiculous......and making comparisons between gay marriage and marriage between human and animal? there is absolutely no correlation nor will there ever be. gay marriage is not a thread to untie the sweater of society. nothing about the legalization of marriage between two gays is going to effect the way any heterosexuals live their lives. it is nothing more than an effort to ensure fair treatment to all Americans.

"So, here comes Swingin' Steve and his boyfriend Bruce, all gussied up in their mustaches and pink tuxedos (or maybe even gowns)"  .................another beautifully written piece of ignorant rhetoric, with no power behind it but that of stupidity and closed-minded opinion. few gays display these characteristics, and who is to say that those who do are any less human and should be denied the right to marry. your site is fueled by fear and stupidity, an idea that all who are different are bad people. maybe in reality it is those that spew ignorance in the form of hateful propaganda that are the true terrorists.

Dave

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I read your article on Gay Marriage.
Your arguments are worse than hot garbage and you're not funny. I've met funnier people coming out of a Kid Rock concert. I'm sure you'll continue to write fallacious non-comedies, but I just thought I'd let you know that I think you're a fucking douche bag.
Sincerely,
 
Joseph





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