The Simon Back Pages
To Our Editor, On His Wedding Day...
By The Simon Editors
Apr 21, 2006

Chad Fifer / The Weekly Memo:

Marriage Advice for Tim

As Told in a 5 Paragraph High School Essay

All down through the years, people have been getting married. One example is Romeo and Juliet. Another is Tina and Ike Turner. Those marriages didn't end well, but other marriages can end well. If Tim wants his marriage to end well, he should learn to fix cars, learn to play guitar and buy a scary looking machete.

First of all, Tim should learn to fix cars. He probably already knows how to change tires and check the oil, but any handsome guy on the side of the road can do that stuff. If he wants Susan to stick around, he should learn harder stuff. For example, Tim should learn to change brake pads. That way, even when Susan begins to feel like she's made a huge mistake, she'll still keep Tim around because he's cheaper than a mechanic.

Secondly, Tim should learn to play guitar. For example, Tim should learn to play "In My Life" or some other slow Beatles song. That way, when he gets in a big fight with Susan and storms off to another room, he can pick up the guitar and play something to work through his anger and she'll think he's all sensitive and stop being mad about the underwear on the bathroom floor. You would think that this would stop working after a while, but it never does. Chicks are suckers.

Finally, Tim should buy a scary looking machete. For example, one that looks a little jagged on the blade, like Jason Voorhees has already used it. That way, Tim can wake Susan up in the morning and hold the machete to her neck and say "I could've killed you while you were sleeping, but I didn't, because I love you!" That way, she'll always know how deeply Tim feels about her. And if he stops feeling that way, it'll be out of her control anyway, as she won't be waking up. Ever.

In conclusion, Tim shouldn't be mad at me for stealing the joke in that last paragraph from him, because it was totally funny and should get printed somewhere. Also, I wish you guys all the luck in the world and am very lucky to know you. I sincerely look forward to having more laughs with you, as well as to ingratiating myself with your future children, only to turn them against you with my subtle brand of mind manipulation. It will be the sweetest of betrayals!

Lucia Bozzola / Guy Movies:

Having observed many a harmonious matrimonial union through the years, I
offer this humble advice for success:

1. Share a laugh every day. Preferably several times a day. At least once every two hours.
2. If you haven’t already done so, learn how to cook her favorite dish.
3. Never underestimate the importance of cuddling.

And one more thing: plastics.

Congratulations! May you have many, many happy years together.

Bob Plain / Fan Interference:

What advice do I have for you on your wedding day? Hire a competent DJ who knows how to properly burn CDs -- especially if he's in charge of playing "Here Comes the Bride" (something my  wife and I overlooked on our wedding day).  Shed a tear at the alter but don't be a big pussy about it.  Don't smear wedding cake on your lovely bride's face -- this is her big day to be a princess, don't ruin her hundred dollar makeup job with vanilla frosting.  Take time out for yourselves to be alone at some point in the evening, even if it's for only five, ten minutes -- this day is about you two, after all. Those clinking glasses during dinner that are telling you guys to kiss will start to sound like divebombs in 'Nam after five minutes -- but all you can do is go along with it.  When things get screwed up, and they will get screwed up, remember to have FUN -- after all, you're only going to do this once.  Remember, you're not going to remember a thing about this night. Oh, and it's not cool to get loaded at your own wedding -- but you already knew that.

May you and Susan have many, many years of love and happiness.

Trevor Thompson / Why Are They Famous?:

We are in the same boat.  I, too, am getting married soon.  I'm not sure where you are in the process, but I'd like to share with you what I've learned.
First of all, you must act interested in all segments of the wedding, from table cloth patterns to music.  Saying, "I don't care," or "It's not that important to me," is a no-no.
Agree to help with anything she asks you to do, such as setting an appointment to pick out the wedding bands, or getting addresses from your side of the family.  Just don't do it, or at the very least, do a half-ass job of it.  She will eventually get so frustrated, she will remove you from the project and finish it herself, leaving you free to play tennis.
Assure her you will not drink more than one martini on your wedding day. Then give all your groomsmen flasks as gifts and sample from each of them throughout the day.
Do not plan any singing during the ceremony.  It is not cool.
That's all I have for now.  I'm sure after my wedding, I'll have much more advice, but we'll save that for another time.

Alan Williams / Between the Covers:

Take everyone’s advice, two cents, and compulsively polished, special-occasion truths and throw them to the wolves. Don’t adopt others' designs for marriage: They are patented or else counterfeit, passing as authentic in an ensemble of experience, humor, and wit.

The only genuine advice is what you and your mate wrest from the maw of time.

That said, remember: marriage is a sacrament. Treat it as such, for a union that hews to the trajectory of your lives is the closest to knowing, indeed seeing, divinity constellated in the realm of the everyday. 

"Marriage is like pi," said Lisa Hoffman, "natural, irrational, and very important." May it be never-ending for you, plotted out yet unpredictable, with lots of awesome CDs and DVDs to write home about.

Bruno Racineux / Simon Webmaster and Designer:

Enjoy all the Consumables with moderation on this Wedding Day.

However, just remember that the Bride is not a Consumable...

Matt Hutaff / Canon Fodder:

Our chance encounter 11 years ago paved my life with more friendship and adventure than you can possibly imagine. As you undertake the greatest adventure life has to offer, I'd like to thank you for your encouragement and friendship. You and Susan are lucky to have found each other and I wish you nothing but the best on your wedding day.

Joe Dungan / L.A. Nuts: 

This is the first time I've ever been solicited for advice on marriage, and just as well. I've never been married, so I can't tell you what works, and since I've never been divorced, I can't tell you what doesn't work either. All I can say is that based on our email correspondences, your columns and essays, and the handful of times we've met in person, you seem like a gent of manners, intellect, generosity, perspicacity, and hygiene. I'd guess that you have fine taste in life partners and that you'll make a fine husband.You dissected Nightmare of You's "I Wanna Be Buried in Your Backyard" elegantly in your column with the coda, "My town steals so many women -- sorry, dude." No apology necessary here. May larcenies like yours raise the bar for future thieves.

Pauline Millard/Dispatches from NYC:

The key to a happy marriage is this: When in doubt, always buy her jewels.

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