Did you read the paper last week? Trick question. With all the scurrying around town attending to last-minute shopping, you probably didn't have time. Unless you're a Jew. But Chosen Ones aside, most Americans probably missed one of the most tragic headlines I have ever laid witness to in my entire life.

No, not the one about the tsunami. Unless you're talking about the tsunami of talent that washed over Must-See-TV for the past 10 years — AKA, Friends!

Apparently, a former member of the writing team has named EVERYONE in relation to the show in a blanket lawsuit of sexual harassment, claiming she was made to suffer through countless X-rated jokes and conversation. Admittedly, I do have some choice opinions on the over-litigious nature of Americans, and the opportunism in attacking the wealthy. But given the fact that it's only paragraph three and I've already made light of the countless thousands of people who perished in a tragic natural disaster, I think I'll keep my opinions on this matter to myself in a brief attempt to reverse any bad karma coming my way.

Besides, my beef is not with the American legal system. And I don't want to stop sexual harassment in the office.

I want to start it.

I am a female writer, as well, in an assistant position. Although I am not employed on a television show, I work within an industry that is comparable in factors of vanity, stress and hours. I put in my time, day in and day out, with an intimate group. And I am dying for some adult language and/or suggestive situations...

It's this damn office, full of respectful and caring co-workers that would never dream of making others feel uncomfortable at the workplace.

My co-workers run the gamut from fresh-faced and out-of-school to classic and experienced. We have an even male-to-female ratio, and are comprised of many different races and backgrounds. We come from various economic levels. We are as gloriously different and unique as a Benetton commercial from the '80s.

And not one of us loudly surfs for porn on the web during business hours... Pity.

Just the other day, my boss was saying how much he loved his wife. How much he appreciated how she doted on him, and treated him special. How he was just as in love with her now as he was on the day they married. But in all this love talk, he never once brought up how things were in the bedroom. Is she satisfying him? Is she kinky? Which of them gets to wear panties?

But it's not just my boss — it's everyone. Countless cubicles filled with clipped cartoons and pictures of family members, loved ones and famous entertainers. In every one of these pictures, the subjects are fully clothed and posed in a G or PG manner. BO-RING.

Now, don't get me wrong. I want all that stuff too... A healthy marriage. Good friends. Anecdotal snafus shown through the filter of Peanuts. It's not that I don't like that stuff. But I just don't think it should be discussed at work. After all, I don't go on vacations with those people... why should I have to re-live someone else's memories?

Take last Monday. I was wearing a skirt that was a bit too short for the office. And the entire day, I had to put up with "You look nice today," or "I like that skirt." C'mon, if you were going to say that you like my skirt, at least follow it up with what you'd like to do with me in and out of it!

I take it as an insult that my co-workers won't let down their guard and really open up to me. Do they not trust me enough to tell me if they like their ladies big-breasted or with some junk in the trunk? I thought we were a team. Teams open up to each other. Teams trust.

Teams talk about Hot Carls.

But for now, repression has forced me underground. I have adopted anonymity as a further protective censor. But I could be anyone... Find me. I implore you.

There's only one way to seek my kind out. That mothering HR Rep who gave you the mug in orientation? The cute intern in the cubicle next to you? That newlywed who is sick and tired of talking about her honeymoon to Hawaii? Draw a frank portrayal of how you believe they look naked and give it to them. Bonus points if you draw yourself engaging in sexual activity with them. Trust me, they'll love it!

Foster an engaging attitude towards gratuitous sexual talk in communal areas of your office.

Reject wearing pants on the days you feel feisty!

Print out a copy of this article and hang it up in your office with the words. "Who's GAME?" written in bold with a black sharpie.

Trust me.

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