Telling Stories
Vampires: They're Just Like Us!
By Kevin Field
Oct 12, 2009

VAMPIRES!  Don't you just love 'em?  If you believe Entertainment Weekly, where they've run a slew of vampire cover stories over the last few months (the "Twilight" sequel!  HBO's "True Blood"!  "Vampires in Pop Culture!"  The "Twilight" sequel again!), you bet you do.

And what's not to love?  We can all relate to creatures that just want to sleep through the day and suck the necks of attractive members of the opposite sex at night. (Or same sex, if that's your thing -- no homophobes allowed in the vampire kingdom.)  What could possibly be better than being unable to go out in the sunlight, eat actual food, and losing all trace of your very humanity?  Nothing!

And you can bet our beloved media conglomerates know it.  On the heels of a number of successful vampire-themed projects, they know that vampires are HAWT!  You'll want to buy a ticket or grab a seat on the couch, because the undead are anything BUT dead, America.

With that, here's a look at a number of vampire projects currently in development:

THERE'S A VAMPIRE IN THE WHITE HOUSE*:
The Vice President is bitten by a bat on the grounds of the Naval Observatory and slowly becomes a vampire.  Soon the press is wondering why he only emerges from his bedroom at night.  How does the third most powerful man on the planet (after the President and Oprah Winfrey) get through a state dinner -- heavy on the garlic! -- with the Italian prime minister?  To be directed by Oliver Stone for a 2011 release.

*Loosely based on the life of Dick Cheney, who despite his habit of feeding on human blood, was not technically a vampire.

MORNING LIGHT: 14-year-old girls and overweight single women LOVE vampires, and they'll eat up this emotional novel about a human high school girl who falls in love with a brooding young vampire who, while devastatingly sexy, is also totally into commitment and hand-holding and listening. (This book has absolutely NOTHING to do with the "Twilight" series... but don't tell Stephenie Meyer about it, just in case.)


BABY GOT DRAC: This hip BET series explores what happens when "Baby," a successful young African-American woman, meets a sexy, 800-year-old Transylvanian vampire and they start dating.  How does she explain to her parents the shameful truth that her new boyfriend is white?

LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU'RE UNDEAD: A pack of surly and depressed Goth teenagers (is there any other kind?) dream of escaping their humdrum life of adolescence.  When they turn to vampirism, they discover that despite their newfound supernatural powers and thirst for blood... their lives are just as annoying and meaningless as before.  PARENTS ARE TOTALLY LAME!  (Features a powerful soundtrack by Morrissey.)

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BITE: An NBC "reality" show as you've never seen it!  Attractive twenty-somethings from varied U.S. locations like Los Angeles, Anaheim, Burbank and Hollywood compete in a series of contests to see who will make the best vampire.  Trials include: gnawing on the neck of a rat and drinking the blood in under 60 seconds; stalking attractive college co-eds late at night; and sleeping in.  Contestants will be judged by a snarky celebrity panel including Keith Richards.

THE MIRROR HAS NO FACES: After one of the world's most famous supermodels is attacked by a vampire, she struggles with the horrifying fact... that she can no longer stare longingly at her own reflection.  How can she possibly survive?

CROSS OF BLOOD: A hard-hitting CBS drama series about a team of FBI agents researching the supernatural -- think "X-Files" meets "CSI" -- who track an elderly foreign man with a thirst for blood, who dresses entirely in black and preys on young altar boys in the middle of the night.  After a season-long investigation, they realize he's not a vampire at all but a Roman Catholic priest.

Drink up, America!

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