Telling Stories
The Democratic Vs. Republican Health Care Plans
By Kevin Field
Aug 4, 2009

All the recent political talk – or “polititalk,” as we insiders in the mainstream media term it – has been about the attempted overhaul of our nation’s health care system.  But facts about both the Democratic and Republican plans have been in short supply.

To help you, the reader, I’ve studied both plans at length and have come up with a list of the most important changes each plan advocates.  After all, what you need most in this ongoing debate are FACTS.  So here’s a healthy dose of them from Doctor Field:

DEMOCRATIC PLAN

[While the oft-mentioned length of the bill currently in the House is about 1,000 pages, that figure is not correct; indeed, the full length of the document is 4,000 pages.  Democratic lawmakers plan to publish the full 4,000 pages this September though Norton Books, so any American can have their own reference copy.  (The book will be released in four hardcover volumes and cost many millions of dollars to print… which will be paid for by you, the taxpayer.  And if you want all the volumes, you’ll need to pay for them.  Typical Democrat thinking!)]

Despite what you may have heard, the Democrats’ plan IS Socialism, pure and simple.  This is the first step in President Obama’s “Godless Society” (mentioned in a little-covered speech that aired on C-Span 2 on March 3rd of this year – look for it on YouTube); Step Two is mandatory community service of no less than three years for all citizens; Step Three is the outlawing of religion and guns; and last but not least, Step Four requires all citizens to be tagged with radio transmitters for tracking purposes by the United Nations.  (There is some debate as to whether or not Obama himself can sign these steps into law, since his Kenyan citizenship may not make the signing constitutionally valid.)

Starting with the most controversial provision first, the Democratic plan states that any underage girl (here defined using the legal drinking age of 21, rather than 18) who happens to get pregnant will be forced to undergo a mandatory abortion, with no exceptions.  While this might sound like a bad thing, the good news is that abortions will be covered free of charge by government insurance – while the abortions will cost a substantial amount to perform, they’ll still cost less than bearing and raising those “accidental” children.  So ultimately the plan passes the savings onto the public, which is a good thing.

As for girls getting pregnant in the first place, buried in page 2,407 is a requirement that public water systems have a tasteless and colorless contraceptive agent added to them to help lower the overall pregnancy rate.  Since the young (not to mention, the lower class) don’t drink bottled water, that should keep all those unwanted kids from becoming kids in the first place.  And it also encourages the rich to get rid of their bottled water (with its high carbon footprint, due to the petroleum used to make the plastic), by allowing them to indulge in a favorite Democratic pastime: nonstop, consequence-free fucking.

Another much-discussed feature on page 3,092 is the so-called “Logan’s Run” rule.  In the book and movie of the same name, citizens were put to death after a number of years (21 in the novel, 30 in the film).  Now, don’t worry – there’s nothing so drastic in the Democrats’ health plan; instead the age is 60 years.  And you won’t be put to death, either – there is no Carrousel!  Just try not to need any medical treatment, because after age 60 you won’t be covered by insurance any longer – if you get sick, I hope you have a useful home remedy.  Otherwise, there will be no Renewal for you.  (But with everyone living longer and longer, I’d say your odds are good to make it to at least 70 years… any longer and you better run away to Sanctuary!)

Besides those points, there’s nothing else very revelatory in the Democratic plan – lots of buzzwords like “nationalized care,” “physician choice,” “Mexican prescription drugs,” “pentagram in ox blood,” that kind of thing.

But how does the REPUBLICAN PLAN differ?

The most obvious difference, just by looking at the two plans, is the length.  While the Democrats’ bill is needlessly complicated and overlong, the Republican bill appears to have been written on the back of a cocktail napkin after a crazy night on C Street.

When it comes to health insurance itself, there is no national plan.  The first rule of the Republican bill, in capital letters at the top of the napkin, is “GET WHAT U PAY 4.”  (The spelling indicates one of two things: either a 14-year-old girl was taking notes, or they’re so used to posting on Twitter now, they can no longer write in any other way.)  This accomplishes two things: it ensures the survival of the upper-class, white Conservative base, who can afford the highest quality medical care; and since the lower- and middle-classes (read: minorities) won’t be able to pay for premium care, they will inevitably die off.  Whites will no longer have to feel threatened by the changing demographics of the population.

As for the insurance companies themselves, they will remain privatized; any that are not privatized will be required to; and they’ll be allowed to charge whatever price they deem fit for patient care, and are not obligated to cover anyone with any sort of pre-existing conditions… unless they have the money for it. (For that is the genius of the free market system.)  Some pre-existing conditions may include: near- and far-sightedness, balding, and “morning wood” for men; and menstruation for women.  The bigger boogeyman to Conservatives is Medicare, and that longtime program will be coming to an end, to be replaced with – you guessed it – private insurance.  Start saving now!

Abortion, birth control, Viagra… ANYTHING having to do with sex will not be covered through the Republican plan, because as the napkin says, “sex = bad.”  Unless it’s with an underage congressional page or someone outside your own marriage, like an Argentine mother or the wife of one of your employees.  In any case, rich white sex addicts will be allowed to seek treatment with the help of “The Family,” the quasi-political Republican group that secretly runs the country.  All others are shit outta luck.  For abortions, start saving up to go to Canada, ladies, because the Republicans will move to repeal Roe v. Wade with the help of a willing Supreme Court.  (But once no one’s having sex, it shouldn’t be an issue in the first place.)

Also, prayer has a big place in the Republicans’ health plan, as in: if you get sick, you better pray to Jesus that you get better.  Because there won’t be any affordable doctors helping you, that’s for sure.  (Non-Christians needn’t bother.)  For elder and disabled care, no one will bother paying attention to their needs until it’s too late; when someone’s too far gone for any medical help to do any good (for example, brain death), you will be kept alive by feeding tubes… defibrillator… any means necessary for as long as possible.  Terri Schiavo was just the beginning!  The whole point is to start caring (and praying, of course) when it will no longer do any good.  America needs more culture wars.

Besides those few points, there’s a provision to make sniper rifles and rocket-propelled grenades legal for sale in all 50 states, as well as doing away with the customer background check for any weapon.  I’m not sure why that’s being put into their health plan, however.

And that’s it!  Everything you need to know about the competing congressional health care bills in order to make an informed decision.  Please spread the word – I’ve always said that KNOWLEDGE is the best medicine! (Mostly because I’m not very funny.)



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