Telling Stories
Mexican Flu, or Pandemic of Death 2009 - A Special Report!
By Kevin Field
May 6, 2009

The media is currently aflame with stories of the latest illegal immigrant to sneak across our border in the dead of night: the dreaded Swine Flu, better known (if I have my way) as the MEXICAN FLU.  Time will tell if this will prove to be a global pandemic of death on the scale of the 1918 Spanish Flu, or a total cocktease like the recent Asian (a.k.a. the Avian) Flu.  Given its origins, I’d imagine this will be just like every Mexican I’ve ever hired to do light housework or pesticide-spraying: it’ll show up late, and when it finally comes won’t really do anything.  Zing!  (I may have gotten my doctorate in Infectious Diseases, but I minored in Comedy.)

((By the way: have you ever noticed there’s never been an “American Flu”?  Of course there hasn’t.  It’s obvious why: because we are the best nation on Earth.))

But you’re better off playing it safe, which, as a medical doctor, I’m legally required to say before I’m allowed to give advice on the Internet.  So here’s how:

What do I mean by “healthy”?  Anything that is NOT Mexican food.  Italian, or Japanese, or French, or Greek, or Moroccan… or Russian or Chinese or Thai if you’re desperate… and of course, good ol’ American – none of that will make you violently ill.  (With maybe the exception of the Chinese food, like dog or bugs or whatever it is they eat over there.)  Now, I love the occasional taco like everyone else.  But until further notice, you’re taking your very existence into your hands by so much as picking up a churro.  Carnitas burrito?  Carnitas is Spanish for fucking PORK!  What are you trying to do, kill yourself?  Put down the quesadilla and just walk away.  It isn’t worth it.

(Notice I didn’t say “drink healthy.”  Well, there’s enough alcohol in tequila to kill off any germs, so if you’d like to give yourself one of my patented full-body cleanses, grab a bottle and start drinking.  Just don’t eat the worm when you’re finished, as it’s likely to be filthy with Swine Flu.)

In case you start to worry (or as I call it, have some “overthoughtfulness,” which doesn’t sound so bad), the best source of your fear and frustration – sorry, overthoughtfulness – is our brown neighbor south of the border.  Or better, any actual brown neighbors you may have.  There’s something about this virus that makes Mexicans particularly susceptible.  Don’t believe me, reader?  Then all you have to do is read the newspaper, watch the television or listen to Michael Savage.  Anyone you know from Mexico – by which I also mean anyone from Central or South America as well – is at a higher risk to carry the disease.  It’s just science.  Which means they may be spreading the contagion throughout your neighborhood at this very moment.  Why do you think the Centers for Disease Control even wanted to call this the Mexican Flu in the first place, until those whiners complained about it being “discriminatory” and “disgustingly racist”?  Because the truth hurts.  Almost as much as having Mexican Flu.  

Wear a mask.  Not one of those sissy dust masks that’s like a coffee filter you wrap over your face with a rubber band – I’m talking full-on gas mask with purifying charcoal filters, baby.  That should keep those germs out.  Also, wear gloves at all times, even when in your own home.  Don’t be afraid to go out in public like that.  Your preparedness in the face of inevitable doom will inspire others to do the same.  Use lots and lots of Purell body sanitizer (it’s not just for hands!).  Keep to yourself – don’t even make eye contact.  For God’s sake, do NOT shake anyone’s hand.  Who knows where that hand has been?  And if you have to have sex with a Mexican, wear a condom (male or female).  As I always say, “Practice Safe Mex” ™!

But even taking all those steps may not be enough… which leads to…

Stop taking your mail – your postal carrier may as well be Patient Zero.  Don’t answer your door.  (What better excuse to blow off those pesky Jehovah’s Witnesses?)  Now is the perfect time to use all of the plastic sheeting and duct tape that you bought in the halcyon days of the post-9/11 Anthrax Scare, when any old anonymous letter that came filled with talcum powder or baking soda was treated like a threat.  Go to your bomb shelter or laundry room, break out those supplies, then seal off all doors and windows as if your life depends on it.  Because you know something?  It might.

I recommend powdered milk, beef jerky, turkey jerky, chicken jerky, iodine tablets for purifying your own urine to use as drinking water, and Twinkies for dessert – those things last forever.  Oh, and lots and lots of toilet paper.  I guess flashlights and candles and all that, but really, food’s your number one concern.  Don’t get anything that needs to be refrigerated or frozen, or even cooked.

(This step was actually supposed to be Step Four – I hope for your sake that you read ahead.  My apologies if you’re now trapped in your house with no food or water.  I hope you have a pet to fall back on as a last resort when the food runs out.)



There’s no need to overreact.  Just stay relaxed in your hermetically-sealed home or apartment, as you wait out the inevitable decimation of the human race by the Mexican Flu.  You have been warned.

That is all!  If you follow these steps to the letter, you’re practically guaranteed to avoid the coming plague.  And if you happen to catch this evil virus… take some Tylenol and get plenty of fluids.  You should be back on your feet after a few days.

Now take my advice and call me in the morning!  (Unfortunately, I cannot make any appointments at this time, as my license remains under suspension by the State of California.)

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