Dear Reader – as part of our continuing investigative reporting into what conservative voters in the American heartland think about the upcoming election, Simon staffer Kevin Field has been corresponding for several months with Tulsa Tribune advice columnist, and registered Republican, Sue Ellen Simon (no relation).  Dr. Simon has graciously allowed her nationally-syndicated column to be reprinted here.
                            - The Editors

***

It’s been a busy week here in Tulsa as the Republican National Convention has kicked into high gear, following the Democrat party’s underwhelming convention last week.  I’m just sad I’m not able to be there in person, as I was the last four conventions… but I didn’t make the cut (as a proud Huckabee delegate).  I’ve had to settle for celebrating each night at different “viewing parties” with my fellow Sooners!  Monday night was a more subdued affair (thanks a lot, Hurricane Gustav) at Big Russ’s BBQ; Tuesday night was a wilder time at Big Jim’s Steak House.  (I’ve said it before: President Bush still knows how to give a speech!  He got us all whipped up into a real frenzy…)  As I write this, tonight promises to be the most exciting night of all: an appearance by my candidate of choice, Mike Huckabee!  But you already knew that…

The biggest story on the T.V. has been Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin of Alaska.  I don’t really know much about her, but Fox News says she’s devoutly Pro-Life, Pro-Guns, and Pro-God… and that is exactly the kind of candidate I am looking for!  So congratulations to Senator McCain for making the first sensible decision of his campaign.  I’m sure she’ll be an asset to the ticket – we’re at war now, and like McCain says, we need a V.P. with suitable experience and foreign policy knowledge.  And it sounds like she has that, from everything people tell me.

With that out of the way, it’s time to turn to the “Ask Dr. Simon” mailbag:

***

Dear Dr. Simon,
I was recently passed over for a promotion.  A promotion that instead went to a woman who’s unqualified in just about every single way, for the job.  The only reason she was hired was because of her gender – I am more successful, better-known, more experienced, highly capable… and just plain smarter.  Is there any way I can file a complaint, or better, get the job I deserve?
Signed,
Male Reader

Dear M.R. –
Whoever this boss of yours is, he sounds like a real jerk – pardon my language!

The only thing you can do is talk to him and let him know you’re displeased.  Bring up the same points you did with me, and lay out the evidence for why you’d be better in the position.  (Don’t tell him what a huge mistake he’s made – mark my words, he’ll soon see that on his own.)  With luck, he’ll get rid of that token hire and pick you, the one who actually deserves the job.

(Unless you’re a member of any religion other than Christianity.  In that case, I’m afraid you got what you deserved.  That’s just how the Good Lord works.)

***

Dear Dr. Simon,
I am an avid Republican and have been married for twenty-eight years to an older man who has always shown me and our children great attention, and occasionally affection.  Last week he made a commitment to a woman ten years younger.  It’s strictly “for work,” but I know they’ll be spending lots of time on the road together, just the two of them.  Normally I wouldn’t worry about this, but years ago he cheated on his older, less-attractive first wife to start dating me… even before he had filed for divorce!  Could history be repeating itself?
Signed,
Concerned Mother

Dear C.M. –
You have every right to be worried.  It sounds like history is indeed repeating itself – as I’ve said time and time again in many a column, “Once a cheater, always a cheater!”  And also, “What goes around comes around!”

If I had to guess, I’d say this new woman in your husband’s life looks different – be it height, hair color, you name it.  You may think she isn’t your husband’s type, but that’s why it’s more than likely there’s something amiss… he wants something new, something unusual and exotic.  (Do you ever see him fidgeting with his wedding band?  That’s a dead giveaway.)  He’s trying to break up the routine of your marriage, and you’re getting caught in the crossfire.  Unfortunately, your husband has made a terrible decision.  By pursuing this co-worker of his, and making her such an important part of his life, he’s not just hurting you and your family – he’s risking his job and his very way of life by getting close to this woman.

Honestly, I recommend counseling, and if he doesn’t agree to that, separation.  No one respects a philanderer.  The faster you, and everyone you know, get away from this loser, the better!

***

Dear Dr. Simon,
I am a former member of the Democratic party and am now a proud, right-leaning Independent.  I’m writing today because I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.  We used to spend most of our time together – working, socializing, traveling, you name it – before he met a new woman.  Now they’re inseparable, and I never get time with him any more.  I always thought we were close, and that we’d end up as partners someday… but all his attention is on her now.  How can I get us back together like in the good old days?
Signed,
Jilted Lawmaker

Dear J.L. –
First things first, you’ve got to make up your mind.  What are you, Republican or Democrat?  There are no true “Independents”.  Get this straight: there are two and a half parties in politics: The mighty GOP; the pathetic Democrat party; and the anti-tax half of the Libertarian party.  Pick a side and stick with it.  No one likes indecision.

Regarding your question: any man who would keep stringing you along until something better came along isn’t worthy of your friendship.  Don’t waste your time on this liar – he sounds like a real snake in the grass!

***

Dear Dr. Simon,
I’ve been a registered Republican for many years of my life.  But I feel like the party doesn’t respect my tenure or my achievements.  I’ve worked hard to distinguish myself and support the party… but I’ve gotten little in return.  I look at the Democratic party, and at Hillary Clinton, and envy the fact that a woman could rise to such political prominence.  Dr. Simon, is this really just the party of old white men?  I don’t want to believe it, but…
Signed,
Kinda Been Had?

Dear K.B.H. –
It’s no wonder the party doesn’t respect you.

First, you know what the Bible says about envy.  Second, the “party of old white men”?  We have a female vice-presidential candidate!  So we are very clearly a party that loves women (“Sena-whore” Larry Craig notwithstanding).

Third, and I can’t believe I have to say this: HILLARY CLINTON??!!  She is the she-devil made flesh.  No one with any self-respect could ever take that succubus seriously.

***

Dear Dr. Simon,
I’m not really a Republican, but I hope you’ll take the time to respond anyway.  I am a known sex addict with a long history of affairs, including a much-publicized tryst with someone who worked under me.  Nevertheless, my wife has always taken me back.  I always promise to stay away from other women, but there’s a new girl on the scene who’s got my attention and won’t let it go.  She’s a former beauty queen, so she’s got the looks… and she’s into sports, so she’s got a great body… and she’s in government, so she’s got the brains (maybe).  She has a family, but I know she lusts for power – which I have – and enjoys the company of older men – and as an older man, I can be pretty damn charming.  We don’t see eye-to-eye on the issues, but who cares about that?  I know I said I’d stay committed in my marriage… but this woman’s so much younger and sexier than my wife, I can’t help but go after her!  Can you help?
Signed,
Why Just Commit?

Dear W.J.C. –
People like you make me sick to my stomach.  I can see quite plainly that you lack good old-fashioned conservative values… a true Democrat. (If I had to guess, you’re one of those coastal types – which is it, New York City?  California?)  We do things differently around here.

That being said, this woman sounds like a disaster.  Whatever you do, STAY AWAY – you have been warned!

***

That’s all for this week.  And whenever you’re feeling down in the dumps, just remember what we say in Oklahoma:
WE’RE OK!

Dr. Sue Ellen Simon, D.M.T.