So you want to write.  Congratulations!  Writing for profit is an admirable “life goal” for any teenager or recovering addict.

That being said, there are a lot of failed writers out there – go to any Starbucks if you don’t believe me.  So how DO you stand out in the crowd?  Simple!  It’s not just a matter of writing good.  Spellcheck is crucial, too.

But what else do you need to know?  Simple!  Just follow my six easy steps (soon to be patented), also known as The Five W’s.

STEP ONE: Decide WHAT you want to write.  Should it be an essay?  A poem?  An op-ed for your local newspaper?  Figure out which format might earn you the most money on spec; focus solely on that format, even if you have no experience whatsoever in it. (A side note: 64% of working screenwriters hadn’t written anything since graduating high school before selling their first script, a most shocking statistic that only proves my point that chasing the dollar is the quickest way to success.)Keep in mind that you don’t want your work to read TOO polished!  Literary critics admire anything that can be described as “raw” or “tortured.”

(This step is also known as the “What.”)

STEP TWO: Determine WHO you could sell your work to.  Perhaps a magazine?  A Hollywood movie studio?  A rock band in desperate need of their next Top 40 hit?  Good!  It also helps to know someone who’s looking for product, will pay a premium, and who might owe you a favor.  And the more successful they are, the better.  Also, avoid any means of publishing your work at no cost – say NO to any blogging, message board posting or free literary sites.

Remember: your thoughts and ideas are valuable.  As valuable as the highest bidder says they’re worth.  So no freebies!

(This step is also known as the “Who.”)

STEP THREE: Pick an agent or manager WHO can best represent your work.  If you write a novel, go straight to the top; your ideal publishing company must have been in business for at least the last sixty years.  If you write a motion picture screenplay, only the most exclusive representation will do. Agents always enjoy receiving unsolicited manuscripts, so start at the top!

After submitting your work, never take NO for an answer, unless the question you’re asking is “Did you hate my work?”  In which case, remember to take NO for an answer.  (Putting things into context, as you’ll soon learn, is an important skill to have as a writer… but forget I said that.  I’ll save that for another lesson.)

(The step is also also known as the “Who.”)

STEP FOUR: WHEN do you need to be paid?  In case of outstanding debts, the answer is “A.S.A.P.”  So hurry up already.  Ideas don’t write themselves, unless they’re for new reality television shows… in which case, you’ve already picked the wrong business.  If you’re that desperate, try restaurant reviews – while most of those jobs don’t pay well, at least you get to eat on someone else’s dime.  Yum!

Tattoo this advice on the back of your hand for easy reference: “The sooner I am published, the sooner the money train stops at my station.”  Time is of the essence!

(This step is also known as the “When.”)

[That reminds me – here’s another step I thought of that is equally important, but doesn’t really begin with a W: always avoid clichés like the plague.]

STEP FIVE: Consider WHERE you’ll be writing your masterpiece.  No professional writer writes at home or in an office – the distractions number in the dozens.  And coffee houses are cliché, not to mention overly Bohemian.  Stay one step ahead of the curve; the more unusual your setting, the less likely it is a competing writer (known in our business as a “hound”) will be able to steal your ideas in mid-draft. (Don’t laugh – you may not believe it, but this is a common occurrence amongst professional writers.  It’s part of how they became professional in the first place.)

Take it from my own experience: gas stations, veterinary clinics and homeless shelters are all fine locations where one can write.  (This has the benefit of making for an amusing anecdote when interviewed by a popular “news magazine” program after you’ve become an inevitable success… your quirkiness will make you that much more interesting.)

(This step is also known as the “Where.”)

STEP SIX: WHY does inspiration strike only a gifted few?  WHY can’t you be one of them?  WHY can’t you create masterworks of fiction, true or otherwise?  The answer is: you can.

All it takes is a few shots of alcohol, preferably single malt Irish whiskey.  Think about it: history’s greatest writers were drunks – damn filthy drunks.  Take a lesson from them: find your inspiration at the bottom of a bottle, and glory and riches shall soon be yours.

(This step is also known as the “Whiskey.”)

THAT’S IT – the Five W’s of Writing in six easy steps.  Memorize them (copy by hand, over and over, until they become second nature)… write something… and that’s all there is to it!  Soon, you’ll be on your way to fortune, fame and fortune!

[Next time: an in-depth look at how grammar works]