March 5

After winning the Democratic vote in Ohio by eight points and eking out a narrow victory in Rhode Island by three points, Hillary Clinton declared herself "The Comeback Wife of the Comeback Kid" and promised to continue campaigning until she had earned her party's nomination. When asked if her losses to Barack Obama in Vermont (by 15 points) and Texas (by five) – a state her husband had previously described as a "must win" for her – meant that she had no hope of winning the nomination, Clinton denied she had ever heard his comments. When pressed in her news conference, she covered her ears with both hands and shouted "LA LA LA LA LA" over and over again until the press corps gave up and left.

March 9

Hillary Clinton, after a humbling 20-point loss in yesterday's Wyoming caucus, announced that she was changing her campaign slogan from "Ready on Day One" to "I'll Run the White House Better Than I Did My Campaign, Promise!"… …When asked if she was willing to tear apart the Democratic Party in order to win the nomination, Clinton cryptically replied "As long as I am the nominee, there won't be any need for that to happen… I'll do whatever is best for the party"   

March 12

Clinton's chief strategist, Mark Penn, discounted the 28-point drubbing in yesterday's Mississippi primary by stating "We aren't concerned with the loss – the only ones who voted were a bunch of damn darkies, and who else would you expect them to vote for?!" When pressed for clarification over his seemingly racist remarks, Penn fired back that he was talking about those with "dark personalities, no matter what the color of their skin may be… you know, criminals, murderers, ne'er-do-wells, that kind of thing." He denied trying to make any connection to race: "The fact that you're even injecting race into my comments just proves that the media is biased against Senator Clinton."   

April 1

The Clinton campaign announced the coveted endorsement of John Edwards at a press conference on Monday, but then had to take back that news later in the day after Edwards said no such endorsement had been given: "While it is true I had given my endorsement to Hillary in person over the weekend, it isn't yet certain that she'll be the nominee. That being the case, I will continue to hedge my bets and give my endorsement only once the nomination has been decided."

April 23

Ignoring calls to drop out of the race, Senator Clinton refused to claim that the Pennsylvania primary results – which, for the first time in the history of either party, ended in an exact numerical tie – were anything less than a decisive victory for her. "The fact that Barack Obama was unable to defeat me, even though I had more than a 20-point lead in the polls here just a month ago, is further proof that I have all the momentum in this race."   

May 4

Last night's appearance of Clinton on Fox's MAD TV came after weeks of Lorne Michaels' refusing to allow the Senator back on Saturday Night Live, after a record seven straight weeks of Clinton cameos on that program, all in an effort to seem relevant to voters under 60.

In election news, the Clinton campaign hailed her single delegate win in yesterday's Guam caucus as proof that "Barack Obama's grip on Pacific Island territories is slipping."   

May 7

After months of disappointing electoral results, including last night's humiliating losses in the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Clinton strategist Mark Penn has been replaced by Marcia Pappas, former president of the New York chapter of NOW. Pappas, who famously referred to criticism of Senator Clinton by candidates Obama and Edwards as a "psychological gang bang" in a January press release, said that as the new head of Clinton's campaign, she would fight back against Senator Obama's "figurative fist-f***ing," and that no matter how unlikable or unpopular a female candidate may be with voters, nothing else mattered except the fact that she's a woman, and thus better than any other possible (male) candidate – "That is the true lesson of feminism," Pappas argued.  

May 14

The state of West Virginia went overwhelmingly to Barack Obama by a nearly 2-to-1 margin in last night's primary, unprecedented for an African-American candidate in that state. The Clinton campaign called it a "rhetorical rusty trombone" on the part of West Virginia voters, and claimed that the 65 percent of women who sided with Obama were "chromosome traitors" who would be unwelcome in the "new sexual order of President Hillary Rodham Clinton."   

May 19

With the delegate count slipping away in favor of Obama, Clinton now describes tomorrow's contests in Kentucky and Oregon as her "ultimate firewall" states. It is the fourth time since January that she has described new states as being her "ultimate firewall."   

May 21

The Clinton campaign dismissed her blowout losses to Barack Obama in yesterday's Kentucky and Oregon primaries as "meaningless red state results that don't matter, since those states won't vote for a Democrat in November anyway." When asked how Oregon could possibly be considered a "red state," campaign head Marcia Pappas said that any state that's nearly 50 percent male automatically makes it a red state, since those voters were already less inclined to vote for Clinton.   

June 4

Despite her name being removed from the ballots after the Democratic National Committee effectively called the race for Senator Obama, Hillary Clinton claimed her 768 write-in votes in yesterday's Montana and South Dakota primaries were a mandate by voters to bring her "35 years of experience" to the White House in November.   

July 7

Hillary Clinton said that she is "firmly against" today's make-up Democratic primary in Florida, and that the results of January's disputed primary – which she won by nearly 300,000 votes over Senator Obama – should stand, no matter what, and if the revised delegate totals were allowed, she would file suit against the Democratic National Committee.   

July 8

In a stunning upset, Hillary Clinton yesterday won the state of Florida by half a million votes, an increase of 200,000 since January's original primary. When reminded that just a day before she had said she would refuse to acknowledge the updated count (and even threatened legal action if January's results were not honored), Clinton said she was "only kidding" and again accused the media of distorting her comments. "What I actually said was that if the revised delegate totals were not allowed, I would be suing the DNC," Clinton claimed.   

July 10

Even after allowing January's contested Michigan results (where Hillary Clinton was the only Democratic candidate on the ballot) and the updated results from this week's "do-over" Florida primary, Barack Obama has a solid delegate lead of 234 over Hillary Clinton, and now seems to be drawing a majority of the party superdelegates. It seems clear – to everyone but Clinton herself – that Barack Obama will be the 2008 Democratic candidate for President of the United States.   

July 11

Over the protestations of Senator Clinton, John Edwards formally endorsed Barack Obama yesterday.   

August 29

Last night, in the middle of Obama's acceptance speech on the final night of the Democratic National Convention, Hillary Clinton ran onstage at the Denver Convention Center with a bomb strapped to her chest and threatened to explode it if she were not made the nominee over Obama. Her five failed lawsuits had evidently convinced her that this was her only possible course of action. But thanks to the skilled and emotional oratory of Senator Obama, he was able to distract her long enough for security to tackle her before she could detonate the explosives…   September 8: …Former president Bill Clinton announced that he was separating from his wife Hillary after nearly 33 years of marriage. "I've been waiting eight years to get back to the White House, and since Hillary couldn't get the job done, I've got to find another way."   

November 5

Barack Obama won yesterday's presidential election against John McCain in a landslide victory… Political analysts said credit had to be given to ex-Senator Hillary Clinton, since her attempted hijacking of this year's Democratic Convention allowed Obama to show his grace under pressure on live television, and the resulting sympathetic media coverage made him a virtual lock for the presidency. Reached at the Shady Pines Institute for Mental Health in New York, Clinton's only comment was "I told you I'd do what was best for the Democratic party!"