The Simon's Sultan of Love offers words of wisdom to prepare you for a night of Valentine's romance.
When people think of holidays in the month of February, what's the first one they think of? I'd say the big vote-getter is Presidents’ Day, since Americans love to celebrate the birthdays of the many founding fathers we’ve had over the years. But is there anything else? I'd argue that a minority thinks first and foremost of Valentine's Day. An overtly religious celebration of Saint Valentine, who Catholics consider the patron saint of hearts, Valentine's Day (or V.D. as it’s more commonly known) has evolved into a celebration of all things romantic, and typically culminates in at least several minutes of lovemaking on the part of participants before the clock strikes Midnight.
So what does all this mean to you? Well, in case you haven’t been following your calendar, V.D. is right around the corner. If there's one thing clear from today's feature films, it's that people everywhere (specifically, female people) are desperate for love, and thus willing to be talked into enjoying V.D. with you. But how exactly do you take advantage? Just how do you “get” V.D.? Easy – just follow these helpful tips from me, your Sultan of Love.
(Before I begin, I should make clear if you followed my previous writings under the name "The Love Guru" that this column remains one and the same. I have dropped my lawsuit against Paramount Pictures and Mike Myers for copyright infringement; since their movie of the same name performed so poorly last summer, I have decided to simply change the name and move on.)
Step One: Find someone with whom you're interested in going on a date.
This is probably the most important step of all: finding someone who can hold your interest through one entire date, if not additional dates if you so desire. I recommend the workplace; you're more likely to be familiar with members of the opposite sex there than anywhere else. (If there are no members of the opposite sex at your work, I presume you're either gay and/or lesbian. This is not the column for you; I have nothing against homosexuality, but please know that I don’t have the faintest idea what makes you "tick." Go read "Savage Love" or something.)
When you know who's single and/or who would be willing to go out for a night with you, list all the names on a lined sheet of paper. Ask the following questions of each one:
Men – Is she attractive enough? Are her physical attributes enough to outweigh any potential irritants [annoying voice; lack of intelligence; political opinions (i.e. does she have any?); wants children; etc.]? Is she willing to go Dutch? Those are the three most important factors in trying to find a date for the evening [assuming, of course, that you're already single; if you aren't, and are looking for a date outside your current relationship, make sure that she a) has no friends she’ll go blabbing to, or b) is willing to keep your night together a secret]. Remember, this is serious: the woman you pick is the partner you may end up spending the rest of your night with. Don’t just rush to judgment. Unless someone else at work is planning on asking them out first, in which case there’s no time to lose.
Women – How much money does he make? Do you think he'd be willing to give you a decent gift or gifts? Would you be able to have sex with him at the end of your date? Think about it – you need to know the answer to any and all of those questions before you’re asked out. Make yourself attractive to your ideal candidate – wear some makeup for a change. Put on a shorter skirt. If you have children from a previous relationship, for God's sake, don't mention it… not unless you want to sit at home alone for V.D. (Alone with your kid, I mean.) Since you won’t be the one making the first move – women don’t ask men out anymore – you need to let them know you’re ready and oh-so-willing. Flirt with your ideal candidate. Don’t come on too strong – I recommend shoulder massages. If he’s not getting the message, you aren’t trying hard enough. Try harder.
Once you've narrowed the choices down and you've made your selection, burn the paper. Alternately, eat the paper. Step Two: Ask the selected member of the opposite sex out for V.D. (NOTE: for men only).
Tread lightly with Step Two – you don't want to come off as too desperate or needy. The trick here, as stated above, is that it's just for men to do the asking; if you're a woman and you ask a man out on a date, he'll assume you're either a whore (not literally a whore, though sometimes that happens)... or even worse, an icy, frigid bitch.
So back to you men out there: like I said above, play it cool. You need to not care whether or not she says yes; play into her insecurities. If she thinks you're less interested in her, she'll want to figure out why, and more importantly, she'll want to prove you wrong. Take it from me: women are totally like that. Ask this co-worker (ideally) of yours if she'd want to grab dinner on Saturday night. Do not – I repeat, DO NOT – say anything about it being a Valentine's date. Let her think you don't know, and that you're just out for a good time. She can worry about V.D. herself. The other key is that you should never ask out a superior, unless you're pretty sure they have a thing for you. You never want to screw up the date somehow and get fired as a result. Better is to ask out an underling, who may feel pressured to say yes, especially if they think you might fire them if they don’t. Voila: instant love connection.
Step Three: Plan your date.
This same step applies to either sex. Figure out how much you're willing to spend on your date in order to get "compensated," if you know what I mean, at the end of your night. Then adjust your options accordingly.
First, don’t give anything right off at the start of the date. Men, a woman doesn’t need flowers. Chocolates just put the weight on. Cards are for eight-year-olds. And women, the only gift the guy wants is you. You needn’t bother with anything else.
I find that dinner, a movie, and drinks at your date's place are always ideal. Pick a restaurant that's nice, but not too nice – and I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT SELECT A PLACE THAT OFFERS A FIXED-PRICE MENU. Just like on New Year's Eve, many restaurants only sell a set course at an inflated price. Instead, go somewhere casual – I don't mean fast food, per se, but "fast casual" is fair. Applebee's for American, Baja Fresh or Chipotle if you like Mexican, any local pizza place if you want Italian... and that's just off the top of my head. You have plenty of international options at affordable prices. Don't think you need to break the bank to get something out of your date. (Unless it's to buy wine, the most romantic of alcohols; any amount is excusable in order to get your date tipsy.)
As for movies, always select a romantic comedy. Why? Because lovemaking on the screen will subconsciously prepare you for lovemaking off it. And best of all, at a movie you don't need to waste a lot of time talking to each other. You can simply relax and enjoy checking out Kate Hudson and/or Anne Hathaway, or Matthew McConaughey, or that guy from Grey's Anatomy who was in Can’t Buy Me Love, any of whom are better-looking than your date. (Imagine what it would be like to be “with” them to help get you in a romantic mood.)
Finally, take your date back to their home, where they'll naturally be more at ease, and have a few drinks. (Besides them being more relaxed at home, you should NOT take them back to your place in case they end up being crazy – you don’t want them to know where you live.) Don't expect your date's bar to be fully stocked; make sure to bring several of your preferred liquors so you have multiple options. It's not sleazy – like the Boy Scout motto tells us, "Be prepared." In this case, with booze. Your date will appreciate the fact that you're ready for anything.
And by "anything," I mean getting your partner drunk and having sex.
Step Four: Have the date.
[see above; make sure everything goes exactly as you've planned, or else you'll have failed]
Step Five: Have the sex.
[An important note of CAUTION the Editors have required me to include: whether male or female, be sure to always carry protection with you. If you happen to forget, it’s important to tell your partner you’ve got something anyway – you’re better off putting them at ease. It’s a lie, but just a white lie… and by the time they realize it, you’ll both be finished. Just be really careful and everything should be fine.]
Finally, what you've been waiting for: the one thing that determines whether or not you give yourself a good V.D. Now, I know some people talk about how sacred it is to be with another person physically. (If you’re one of those people, what are you doing reading this? You’re missing church!) But for normal people, sex is a typical, average, totally awesome thing that should be done as often as possible, with whoever’s ready and willing. That’s how we get better: practice. And you do want to be good at the sex… don’t you?
Now, I assume if you’re reading this you already know the basics. If not, there are plenty of web sites online that will describe in detail what you should do in bed. But if you’re into the kinky stuff, whether it’s leather S&M; furries; sex toys and bondage; animals, whatever – go ahead and have some fun with it. V.D. is all about experimentation with someone new. Remember, nothing’s illegal if you don’t hurt them. I recommend a mutually agreed-upon safe word or phrase, such as “Oh my God” or “Harder” or “So good… so good” just so you know when things have gone a little too far.
(Speaking of the “kinky stuff” – if you have any questions about whether or not it’s “normal,” I can be reached by mail through The Simon. Be sure to describe in detail what your proclivities may be. I am, after all, the Shaman of Love, a position which I take very seriously.)
Step Six: Decide whether or not you’d like to continue seeing your date in the future.
This step is perhaps the simplest of all. After you’ve both exhausted yourselves, wait for your partner to doze off – if you’ve done things correctly, that shouldn’t take more than five minutes, ten tops. Now ask yourself: Was the date a good one? That’s all you need to do, simple as that.
If the answer is ‘No’ – even if the sex was great – get out of bed as quietly as possible, get dressed and go home. There are other people you can be intimate with after a date. Go out and find them!
But if the answer is ‘Yes’ – especially if the sex was great – get out of bed as quietly as possible, get dressed, leave your phone number on a Post-It and go home. If you did your job, you’ll have left them wanting more. Wait for them to call!
Remember, Saint Valentine would've wanted it that way.
And that’s it: my patented six easy steps toward having a successful Valentine’s Day rendezvous. Follow them to the letter and I guarantee you a night of passion and romance! (Unless you’re shy, in which case I hope you managed to at least get the sex out of it.)
Until next time, this is your “Shaman of Love,” telling you not to let the eternal “Battle of the Sexes” be a “Cold War”… “keep it real!”
