Dying to see history made on January 20 at Barack Obama's inauguration? Craigslist has your back...
Washington, DC craigslist > tickets > 2009 presidential inauguration
Dear Simon Readers: are you dying to see the Obama Inauguration in-person on January 20th? Never fear – for a limited time only, we’re offering a number of packages at a wide variety of prices that are sure to meet your budget, no matter how pitiful. Have a look – you only have two weeks left, so get shopping!
The SIMON INAUGURAL TICKET PACKAGES 2009 (in order of price, from dirt-cheap to obscene):
The ‘Caroline Kennedy’ [cost: free] - You’ll demand one ticket based solely on your name; whether or not you’ll actually receive that ticket depends on other interested parties and if their family name is more recognizable than yours.
The ‘Norm Coleman’ [cost: your best offer] - We’ll take the highest bidder on this fantastic ticket package for two inaugural tickets. How will you know if you won the auction? You’ll just have to take our word for it… [Bidders must pay The Simon $1000 for every bid they make]
The ‘Lindsay Lohan’ [cost: any role, no matter how small, in a feature film – seriously, we need the work] - For two tickets, you’ll need to proclaim your undying affection for Barack Obama on one day; the next day, talk about how much you really lust after Hillary, and wish she could have been President; the next day, go back to loving Obama, then the day after, Hillary; and repeat indefinitely while generally acting like a total idiot.
The ‘John McCain’ [cost: one future election of your choosing] - This one-of-a-kind ticket comes with strings attached: you’ll need to very publicly insult the President-Elect at every opportunity for two weeks, only to turn around on Inauguration Day and talk about how wrong you’ve been and what an honorable man he turned out to be, while everyone you know dismisses you as a senile has-been.
The ‘Roland Burris’ [cost: your own dignity] - You and a friend will fly to Washington D.C. for the big day with two exclusive tickets… only to discover that those tickets will not be accepted by the Inauguration staff; after loudly complaining about the situation, you’ll be booted out on your ass by security. But don’t worry: we definitely have the authority to give you these two totally legitimate tickets.
The ‘Jennifer Aniston’ [cost: the eventual third-weekend box office gross of MARLEY & ME] - You’ll go to the inauguration in style with this deluxe ticket package for two! You’ll begin by witnessing history in front-row seats to the swearing-in of our 44th President; later that night at the exclusive Creative Coalition Ball, you’ll be forced to leave the event in tears after five minutes when you see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie together at the same location. (Just remember that you’re too good for him!)
The ‘Bill Richardson’ [cost: a future Cabinet seat] - Your very exclusive (and expensive – only potential Cabinet members need apply!) four tickets must be ordered, quietly, through an intermediary of our choosing. You are not to speak of the tickets to anyone, including friends and family. You must also deny any knowledge of how you received the tickets, or who you received them from. [Failure to comply with these rules may result in investigation by the F.B.I.]
The ‘Bill Clinton’ [cost: $10,000,000] - You and all the young female guests you can bring with you win a reservation to the Presidential Suite at the Ritz-Carlton for a day (and night!) spent watching the Inauguration on television, and whatever else you’d like to do, with all the champagne you can drink – just don’t tell your wife the details! [Men only, please]
The ‘Steve Jobs’ [cost: $100,000,000] - One ticket will be released to you, in person, upon your arrival in Washington D.C. However, your contact may not show up due to a hormone imbalance. [Ticket price non-refundable]
The ‘New York Yankees’ [cost: $300,000,000] - For this dream package, you’ll get nine tickets for the best seats of all. But when the time comes for the inauguration to start, you’ll find your view completely blocked by people who spent way less for their tickets.
The ‘Bernie Madoff’ [cost: too rich for your blood] - We’re asking nothing less than your current assets, income and life savings… what will you get? The best ticket package ever! Come on! You just have to trust us!
Offers can be mailed to The Editors at thesimon.com… serious inquiries only, please!
