The other-more pressing-obstacle was the hip L.A. part. What exactly is hip L.A.?
Dinner parties-it can be good, for instance, to seat an Indian chief (bigwig, granddad) next to an Indian brave (assistant, grandchild.) There are no established rules for throwing a hip L.A. twenty-something party, however, so in the interests of living up to my reputation as Miss Manners (and planning my own party), I recently plotted out a list of helpful tips.
There were two main obstacles to my plight. The first was the target-age range of invitees, otherwise known as the nebulous post-college-but-not-quite-adult years, when Jell-O shots will no longer cut it but the alcohol will still be dirt cheap. Along similar lines, about half of the people in attendance will be on their chosen career path, but the other half won't have their futures mapped at all.
The other-more pressing-obstacle was the hip L.A. part. What exactly is hip L.A.? What should one expect in such a crowd? Being manner-less is something of a raison d'ˆtre for L.A. It is, in fact, almost a source of civic pride. Flaking on social commitments is a sign that you're in demand. Saying "goodbye" at the end of a phone conversation is an option. People purposely return calls when you're not at home so as not to have to speak to you. (Ask any Hollywood agent.)
Ideally, at a party you want people to engage- someone who works in Hollywood chatting with a physicist. An architect hooking up with a writer. The correct number of men and women, each bringing something interesting into the mix. But hip L.A. is a tough mix to navigate. With so many aspirees-actresses, directors, writers, etc., L.A. is by nature a competitive place. Socially, even at parties, it is no exception.
To understand the nature of the beast, one has to look at L.A. in general-the blend of people from different socio-economic, ethnic, religious, sexually orientated backgrounds, etc. How can you possibly keep people happy at a party in a city with a different personality per square inch? And people who grew up in L.A. are a bit more "L.A." than people who aren't-a bit more jaded, a bit more hip, a bit more experimental, a bit more knowing.
L.A. is a curious cultural phenomenon. The battleplan I drew up worked for my party (although, truth be told, only five of the 40 people were polite enough to actually R.S.V.P. in advance). Here's my compendium of odds-and-ends tips for navigating the quirks of a city where everyone's experimenting with everything, as well as a few basic party-going manners for people who have none. Cheers.
TEN RULES OF L.A. PARTY-GOING
or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love To Party.
#1: YOU ARE BUT A COG IN THE GRAND MACHINE THAT IS THE PARTY
Everyone brings something to a party-literally and figuratively. It is polite to come bearing gifts, or at least alcohol. On a more metaphorical front, any invite list should include a varied assortment of personalities for cross-pollination purposes. Included on that list must be a few bizarre people, mainly to liven up conversation in the post-party fallout. (And every good party must have some fallout.) Whatever your personality, you were probably invited because you are known to have a certain je ne sais quoi. Know what it is, act accordingly, and don't compete for more than your share of attention.
#2: UNLESS YOU'RE A WOMAN.
There are always at least three catfights underscoring any party. In L.A., women are particularly catty. Men are always oblivious. It's a primal thing, really, due to the evolution of tribal cultures and Cosmopolitan Magazine. It's a bit of a warzone, it's not polite, but there's nothing anyone can do about it.
#3: DON'T LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND.
Queen Victoria was right about a lot of things, but this approach does not work at L.A. parties. It is your duty to socialize. You weren't invited to take up valuable couch space.
#4: HAVING SAID THAT, DON'T TRY OUT A NEW PERSONALITY.
On a similar front, if trying out a new sexuality (this is L.A., after all), it is generally advisable to use at least a modicum of discretion.
#5: GENTLEMEN PREFER EACH OTHER.
(At least at costume parties.) If party-goers must dress for the occasion, there's a high probability that all the men who show up will be gay. If you are a woman, do not be depressed-your party will be amazingly stylish. Cheers to straight men who challenge this rule.
#6: TAPE YOUR BREASTS AND OTHER BEAUTY SECRETS
No one wears pantyhose anymore, and one should never let one's bra straps show. This is for the six women who called after my last party to inquire about bra etiquette. It is something of a predicament-straps are tacky, strapless bras destroy the line of a dress and require persistent fiddling, free-ing it is too obvious. The answer is a modeling secret-sticker bras, also known as adhesive body bras, available in department stores and lingerie shops. They mainly aid in immobilization, but do also add a touch of support. The application technique requires a Ph.D. to perfect, however, so practice practice practice.
#7: SOMETIMES IT'S WISE TO SAY NOTHING AT ALL.
At my last party, one woman, asking for a weight loss secret, asked if I preferred anorexia or bulimia. Her question brought me back to a relic of a little old man (no less than 95) I met a few years ago in the hinterlands of Northern England. Upon learning I was from America, the old man inquired as to whether I had come over on the QEII or the Mauritania.
Should one really explain-to a man probably better off in his ignorance- the existence of air travel? It was this thought that led me to decide not to divulge my real answer to the weight loss question. Should I really tell the truth-swallowing a tapeworm? Or, if tapeworms are not in season, deliberately drinking third world water to maximize drainage? (Both model secrets.)
In both cases, I just shrugged.
#8: SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO LIE.
At a party, one doesn't have to profess one's entire sexual history just because one is inebriated. This is a curious byproduct of alcohol-spilling. Everyone spills everything in L.A., although one should really reserve one's sex speech for people with whom one might actually sleep someday. Similarly, one doesn't have to tell the entire sexual histories of other people either. (If unchecked, parties can fast become vicious circles.) Instead of spilling, try throwing out a few choice lies. Make them enigmatic and a bit shocking, so no one is quite sure if you are in jest or not. It's always advisable to make them clever, and executed with an air of cultivated ennui. It's like my editorial usage of the tapeworm in the last rule. It's a good tool.
#9: SPACE TIME CONTINUUM
The male and the female operate on a different space-time continuum. Women spend the first half of any party worrying about how they look (all catfights take place in this time period)-by the second half, all the wars will be over. Inversely, the male instinct to stalk prey always kicks in with the stroke of midnight-making the second phase of a party more competitive for them. If there is to be any pissing contests, these originate around this time. It's all a game, after all, and whether or not they can "score" is a testament to their virility. It's wise to understand both sides to this strange phenomenon, in L.A. and everywhere else.
#10: CLOSING TIME
Finally, wherever you are at closing time, try to remember if you came with a date, as it's customary to come and leave with the same one. And since this is L.A., try to remember which gender they are. Search the grounds for any lost underwear.
And finally, do not call fellow party-goers to gossip about any scandals until at least 11a.m. the next morning.
