Older women can be the real danger when dating in New York.
In the world of New York dating, a young woman has many landmines to dodge. Is the man in question a player? Is he listening to a word she’s saying? Does he have VD? A large part of the reason women feel the need to go in groups to get manicures or even use the bathroom is because we need to seek out man advice. Despite all the magazines and web sites devoted to helping women navigate the rough seas of dating, too much is still not enough.
It has come to my attention that sometimes men are the easy part of dating. Once you figure out his particulars, the relationship can be more or less a pleasant sail. The problem seems to be other women. I don’t mean the entry-level assistant you might stand next to while waiting in line at Marquee. I’m talking about the shriveled up, seen-better-days, Tory Burch-tunic-wearing-Spinster-of-Rage.
New York is riddled with the Spinster-of-Rage types. After all, this city is essentially one huge corporation and everyone, both male and female, is trying to get to the top. It’s all too common for women, competitive as they are, to climb said ladder and forget to put as much energy into their personal relationships. This phenomenon has been well-documented. I don’t mean to say that women shouldn’t shoot for the moon, because they should. We’re probably hard wired to get more done than men, anyhow. Nevertheless, if you are one of these women, please don’t wake up angry and alone on your 40th birthday and decide to take out all your latent anger on those of us who are still trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up.
It’s not like the Spinsters haven’t been warned about the cut throat business that is New York City dating. The entire premise of "Sex and the City" is older women looking for a good man in the big, bad city. We’ve also seen younger women get burned by the older ones. Stephanie Klein based her entire memoir, Straight Up and Dirty, on her first marriage in her early 20s which came to a screeching halt because her husband cheated on her with an 40-something, D-list socialite. Not cool.
On one level, I can see why an older woman might appeal, at first, to a man. They’re probably farther along in their careers and can afford nicer things, such as their own apartment or a real Louis Vuitton bag. Let’s face it: younger women can be expensive to date. Generally speaking they don’t have a lot of disposable income, and what money they do have goes to essentials, such as cute tops and personal grooming. (Wink, wink.) Someone needs to pay for their meals and movies. Younger women tend to have a lot of energy to burn off, so dates could easily be ice skating or a hike. Older women might be more likely to come with a slipped disc or a career-induced ulcer. No wonder they tend to like the opera and museums.
The good news for the over-40 set is that they’re not competing with as many younger women as they think. It’s a relatively small number of 20-somethings that want to date an older man for the long term, and an even smaller number of those have daddy issues. Sure, most young women have had a foray or two with a silver fox, but by and large they want someone with whom they can drink beers and rock out to Dave Matthews. And don’t overlook the fact that Cougars, hot, older women, are very much in vogue right now. Look at Sheryl Crow and Demi Moore. So keep up with those spinning classes at Bally’s and you may even snag a college student. Think of the bragging rights you’ll have at your next book club meeting!
All in all, we’ve got to stop the madness. It’s bad for the sisterhood. I don’t care what census reports claim, in my experience there have always been more than enough men to go around. So Spinsters, stop lying on your Match.com profiles and don’t claim to be 39 years old when we all know you’re really 45. (Isn’t it weird how everyone who graduated college during the Carter administration claims to be 39?) You can be Botoxed up the wazoo, but when you slip on your first date and mention the Go-Go’s concert you saw in high school, your jig will be up. Also, don’t forget about the basic rules of dating. If by two or three weeks into it you haven’t seen his apartment, chances are it’s because there’s another woman living there and you are but a side dish. I say, move on.
As for the younger ladies, no one can control how they dress or bat their eyes. Ignorance can be endearing, if not alluring. Isn’t that how Jessica Simpson built her quasi-empire? Above all, we all need to understand that men are visual creatures and are going to vote with their feet, or their wallets or, uh, other parts. I suggest we all go out there on Saturday nights as the best versions of ourselves that we can be. And may the best woman win. Bitch.
Dispatches from NYC is a bi-weekly commentary on America's largest city and its impact on the wider world.
