Who the fuck cares what the Bush twins think about anything?

Family members lie for each other. When I was a kid, if I really wanted to stay home from school for one reason or other, my mother had absolutely no problem with calling me in sick. When I was a teenager, on more than one occasion, my dad lied to the police for me. And I'm sure that the Bush twins are willing to do whatever they have to do to help out their dad, even though I personally believe that there's no way they really believe in the policies of his administration.

These are two women fresh out of college; they're young, they like to have fun, they have gay friends, and they don't have any of their own money yet. Do you really think they're Republicans? It's just my opinion, but I really can't see it. No, I think the reason they've suddenly struck out on the campaign trail for Bush/Cheney is simple: they love their dad. And I don't blame them — he seems like a pretty lovable guy. I just think that he's a terrible president. I mean, nobody hates me because I'm a shitty singer. They just ask me to please stop.

When you really think about it, the Bush twins aren't all that different from the Olsen twins. The only reason anybody cares about the Olsen twins is because they want to have sex with them. And the only reason anybody wants to have sex with them is because it's somehow wrong. Now that the Olsen twins are 18, all of the middle-aged pervs have moved on to Hillary Duff. And after the election, I'm sure they'll also move on to Vanessa and Alexandra Kerry.

But in the meantime, there's something I'd like to get going here...

***

Rumors never disappear. In fact, they make up 50 percent or more of the news cycle. Saying something in the press doesn't make it true, but it does make it possible. And that's all most people need.

Tom Cruise is gay, right? Nobody's ever seen him suck a dick or anything, but a few shady people have said it's true, so it's at least possible. And didn't Richard Gere do something unspeakable with a gerbil? Some famous singer got his stomach pumped because he swallowed too much semen. I don't remember if it was Rod Stewart sucking off the Lakers or David Bowie overdoing it with Mick Jagger, but it happened, right? It's not like there's proof or anything, but why would anybody say it if there wasn't something to it?

I called my mother while I was on my way home from work the other day, and somehow — I swear to God I wasn't the one who started it — we began talking about politics. Like most people, my mom's got far too much going on with her family and job to spend a lot of time worrying about Bush or Kerry. But she came out with something that really surprised me. She said, "I don't want Bush to be president anymore because he just doesn't seem like he knows what he's doing, but I don't like that Kerry guy, either. He just seems so weird."

I didn't know what she was talking about. Why was John Kerry suddenly "weird?" And she couldn't say why she felt that way — it was just that she'd seen a lot of ads on TV lately that... what was it exactly? He lied about his war record or something? Something like that.

There's been a lot of hooplah about this topic in the last few weeks, and it's been infuriating to me. Because it doesn't matter whether Bush and McCain condemn that bullshit Swift Boat Veterans ad or not. The damage has been done. Tom Cruise is gay, Richard Gere puts gerbils in his ass, Rod Stewart blew the Lakers, and John Kerry lied about his service to get medals. You don't need proof to get a headline, you just need a loud voice.

"Did you hear? Scott Baio died!" said the girl to my left in English 301. No — I hadn't heard. This was 1995, and I was bummed because I had always liked Charles in Charge and Zapped! So I went home, my head hanging low, and announced this sad fact to my roommate, Matt. He laughed: "Dude, it worked!" Apparently, he had started the rumor himself, just to see if people would pick it up and run with it. For all he knew, Mr. Baio was alive and well in Hollywood, waiting for a Gen-X filmmaker with a Chachi boner to jumpstart his ailing career. And here I was, 40 faulty conversations later, doing the exact thing I hate the most: repeating made-up bullshit because I didn't have anything else interesting to say.

It was quite a lesson. And I'm still learning this lesson, along with the rest of the world. The power of the media lies in its ability to suggest, not inform. But the media runs on people — people like the Swift Boat Veterans or my roommate Matt — people who are willing to falsify for personal gain or a good chuckle.

What does all this have to do with the Bush twins? Well, now that Barbara and Jenna have entered public life, they've opened themselves up to the same kind of treatment Kerry's been getting lately. Now, I hope they don't have any really mean rumors leveled against them; I hope that nobody says they paid for their good grades or that they're secretly Scientologists or anything. But I do want to try my own Scott Baio experiment with these ladies, and I need your help. Here's the headline:

Bill Clinton Nailed the Bush Twins!

The details aren't important, although if you want to cook up your own French-style bedroom farce you're more than welcome. Something with Clinton hiding in the wardrobe while Bush comes into the room innocently looking for his watch. I don't care, so long as the general rumor gets picked up in the media at some point. Let's say it happened after some non-partisan event — Reagan's funeral would be a good one. The girls couldn't resist embracing the ultimate taboo, and Clinton couldn't resist embracing anything with tits.

Man, wouldn't you love to see that headline on the MSN front page next week? Think about how much it could distract everybody from the 1,000 kids we've sent to be murdered in Iraq! Think about how much more fun it would be to gossip about than spooky religious leaders with unpronounceable names.

Listen — you're one of the maybe 20 people who will actually read this article all the way through. But our small size gives us strength. People will never really learn the origins of this rumor. Think of the power we wield right now, you and I. With just a few well-placed lies we can influence the water cooler conversation of the entire world! Why the hell not? Aren't you tired of trying to get people to think?

EXTRA! EXTRA! JENNA AND BARB BLOW BILL!

You heard it here first.



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