To: Dick Cheney

From: G.W. Bush

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Earthquake questions...

Hey, Dick. Did you see that "10.5" miniseries show last night? That earthquake movie? It was cool but it scared me a little bit. It scared me for one because Beau Bridges made a pretty good president — even better than Bill Pullman in Independence Day — and I was worried that he might be thinking of running for real. (Hey — that reminds me — remember when China had our spy plane and I was running around the White House saying "Give me back my plane!" just like Harrison Ford in Air Force One? That was sooo funny.)

The other reason that it scared me, though, was that after the movie, the news came on and said this UCLA scientist guy predicted that "a magnitude 6.4 or greater quake will hit Southern California by September." And it wasn't like when Kreskin predicts something — people were taking the guy really seriously.

So, I have two questions for you. Number one — if we know FOR SURE that an earthquake is gonna hit the U.S. before September, should we just go ahead and attack the earth? Like a preemptive strike kind of thing? Get the earth before it gets us?

My other question is — if the earthquake hit and I were riding a mechanical bull at the time, would the two kind of cancel each other out? So, then, like, being on the electric bull would actually be the safest place to be? Just thinking out loud (my secretary's typing this for me).

Let me know right away. W.

****

To: G.W. Bush

From: Dick Cheney

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Earthquake questions...

Hey there, buddy.

Before I answer your questions, just let me say — good job! You're thinking ahead, and that's what a good president does. And good job checking with Uncle Dick before voicing these concerns to anybody else. Gold star!

Okay — first question. No, attacking the earth is not a good idea. For one, we live on the earth. Also, the portion of the earth that is going to be hit — Southern California — that's in America, and we're supposed to defend America. I do have a plan for some future surgical strikes in California, but those are unrelated to the earthquake (see my previous memo on Susan Sarandon, etc).

As far as your mechanical bull question goes — I'm onto you, buddy. For the last time, you CANNOT have a mechanical bull in the Oval Office!

Enjoyed holding hands with you at the 9-11 commission meeting last week. See ya — Uncle Dick

****

To: Dick Cheney

From: G.W. Bush

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: More earthquake questions...

Thanks for getting back to me so quick. I thought of more questions a second ago (and I wasn't being serious about the mechanical bull, you big jerk — J/K)

First — if the earthquake hits and explodes a bunch of stuff up, who should we blame it on? Kerry or Terror?

Second — have you ever heard of Slash fiction? I was doing an Internet search on Kirk and Spock, you know, looking for new wallpaper for my computer, and I ran across some weird stories. I don't usually like to read, but these were really out there! Kirk and Spock were doin' it with each other! I sure don't remember those episodes!

Last question — have you heard from Jesus lately? I keep asking for his guidance with this earthquake thing (sorry, I wanted a second opinion), but I haven't received any memos from him. I know he's busy with this Hollywood thing right now, but jeez.

Let me know right away — W.

****

To: G.W. Bush

From: Dick Cheney

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Earthquake questions...

Okay, buddy — still doing some good thinking there. First question — we shouldn't blame the earthquake on anybody, really, as earthquakes are disasters caused by nature (and no, we can't do a preemptive strike on nature). However, I'm sure we can find some obscure Senate vote that makes Kerry look pro-earthquake. I'll get on it.

Second question — Slash fiction is a form of online fan fiction, usually written by women, in which popular male television characters are depicted in homosexual situations. The term comes from the Kirk/Spock stories (note the SLASH between the names) that started the trend. Some of my favorites are about Xander and Giles from Buffy getting it on. I skip over the gay sex parts, of course — I just like the characterizations.

Last question — I haven't seen Jesus in a while, but I'm sure he'll be contacting you soon.

-Uncle Dick

****

To: G.W. Bush

From: Jesus

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: How have you been?

Sorry I haven't contacted you in a while, my son. I've been pretty busy with the movie — but I have been listening to your prayers, questions and concerns.

As far as the earthquake stuff goes — nothing to be scared about. You are, after all, the guy I chose to be President. I'm not gonna let some silly earthquake kill you. Things like earthquakes, or fires, or dying in Iraq — those are for regular people. Not the exalted ones. Okay?

Stay sweet and have a kick ass summer-

J.C.

****

To: Dick Cheney

From: G.W. Bush

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Are you pretending to be Jesus?

I'm being serious. It was weird that Jesus wrote me right after I asked you about it. And it made me think back to Easter, when Jesus came by the ranch — he was kind of fat and wheezy and spoke out of the side of his mouth. Sound familiar?

Just be straight with me, Dick. I've never seen you and the savior in the same place at the same time. Are you pretending to be Jesus?

Let me know right away — W.

****

To: G.W. Bush

From: Dick Cheney

CC: Jesus

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Give me a break...

My gosh, buddy — with an imagination like that, you oughta be writing some of those Slash fiction stories! Of course I'm not pretending to be Jesus. If I were pretending to be Jesus, how could I cc him on this memo? It'd be like sending a memo to myself — and that's just ridiculous! Ha ha.

Seriously, I'm not pretending to be Jesus.

-Uncle Dick

****

To: G.W. Bush

From: Jesus

CC: Dick Cheney

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Give me a break...

I agree with your Uncle Dick — we're not the same person. You've been to communion — does the body of Christ look at all like Dick Cheney's body? I don't think so.

I'm gonna be out for a few days but you have my pager (prayer!). Talk to you soon, buddy.

-JC

****

To: Dick Cheney

From: G.W. Bush

CC: Jesus

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Give me a break...

Boy, do I feel stupid. Sorry guys. I guess watching so much earthquake stuff is making my brain vibrate!

Anyway, I took your advice and wrote a Slash story, Dick. I'm a little rusty with the whole writing thing but I think it turned out all right. And I picked some TV personalities you might recognize! Here you go:

It was a late night and an earthquake had just happened, waking Dick Cheney from a sound sleep in his narrow virgin's bed. Cheney shouted, "Who is it? Who's there?" The person sitting on the end of his bed said, "It's okay, Dick. It's me — the president."

Dick Cheney immediately broke down sobbing. "I had a terrible dream," he said. "I thought the earthquake had gotten you."

"Well," said George, "in a manner of speaking, it did."

It was then that George turned on the light to reveal that his clothes were all ripped up and messy.

"I fell down and shards of glass cut through my shirt and pants. But all I could think about was whether or not you were safe, Dick."

Dick caught sight of George's rippling physique through his tattered shirt and felt strange inside. He felt even more strange inside when George climbed up the bed and curled up next to him.

"It was just a dream, Dick. I'm safe."

"Thank God for that, Mr. President. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Well, I know what you could do with me."

And then they kissed. It was electric. But before they could move on into bliss, another tremor shook the earth and two more people entered the room.

"Is everybody safe in here?"

George and Dick looked up — it was Xander and Giles!

That's as far as I've gotten right now. I have to go watch the second part of my earthquake show. Maybe I'll get some ideas! See ya!

-W.

****

From: Dick Cheney

To: G.W. Bush

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: Your story...

Good job on your story, buddy. Um... maybe we should discuss this after your show at the undisclosed location. I could help you with the rest of it. And, uh — you shouldn't cc Jesus with these things. He's... not a big reader.

See you tonight!

-Uncle Dick

**** 
 

From: Jesus

To: G.W. and Cheney

Date: 5/3/2004

Re: You two...

You're both going to hell.

-J.C.