The Case of Newdow vs. the U.S. Congress is one of the most appalling events this year. In a time of turmoil for our country, this heathen bastard, Michael Newdow, tries to rip our country apart from the inside. One would think that a man who is a doctor would be not only humane enough, but intelligent enough, to heal our home instead of wounding it further. To claim that "Under God" is unconstitutional is a travesty and a farce.

I do, however, believe that the Pledge of Allegiance does need to be changed. It's way too vague. "God" can mean lots of different gods, and no one wants us to pledge allegiance to Zeus or Allah. So, let's put our faith where our mouth is and change the Pledge of Allegiance to what this country needs.

"One nation, under Zolzar: The Undying."

In 1954, President Eisenhower had the good sense to add "Under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance. History states that this was for two major reasons:

1. To reinforce the strong spiritual backbone of this country against the godless, scum-sucking communists.

2. To save us from the cleansing fire-rain of Miltok: The Destroyer who will kill, resurrect, and then torture all the non-believers.

Eisenhower knew how important it was that Miltok know this country fears and loves Zolzar.

Eisenhower (whom, I believe, served on the Council of Zolzar) had a much higher spiritual awareness then our founding fathers. The Jokers of 1776 — Washington, Jefferson, and all the other yahoos — purposely excluded any mention of religion or God and intentionally created a separation between church and state. Were they trying to damn us all to the Ice Chasm of Kindix: The Unforgiving, where we would freeze on the Icicles of Retribution?! Thank Zolzar that Dwight cared about his country.

Eisenhower, like the rest of the country, just figured when one said "God," you were referring to Zolzar. "One nation, under God" was a simple salute to He-Who-Will-Not-Eat-Us-If-We-Beg-And-Plead-For-Our-Worthless-Lives. But in the last 50 years, all of these wacko fringe religions think "under God" means their God. Christians, Muslims, Jews, and a whole slew of others have perverted its true meaning. And let me tell you, Zolzar is not going to be happy.

We all remember in the sacred scrolls of Fa'fah, book 32 verses 8-11:

"8) Zolzar is the one and only god. All other gods are dung on the feet of Zolzar.

9) Any who worship a lesser god must be killed by those true to Zolzar.

10) Zolzar commands that all unbelievers be killed in the most painful way possible.

11) If you do not kill unbelievers in the name of Zolzar, Miltok will eat you. Even if you worship Zolzar."

I know. Basic grade-school stuff for us, but there are people in the world that don't know this stuff! And I pray for them!

I have been praying a lot lately. I know, God knows everything, but I still pray to Him just in case he's really busy. I pray to Him to spare the fool, Dr. Michael Newdow, who started this ridiculous lawsuit and the ignorant Circuit Judges Alfred T. Goodwin, Stephen Reinhardt, and Ferdinand F. Fernandez who agreed with him. How these people got to such positions of power without the help of our God is beyond me. Perhaps they are allied with D'rykoo: The Unclean. His evil influence is ever present and it is up to us, The Chosen People, to protect the Zolzarian way of life. Or, should I say, the American way of life.

I would guess that 90 percent of this country is Zolzarian. Some lapsed, sure, but people know and fear our God. So wouldn't it make sense that we structure our government to complement our way of life? Of course it would! The Atheist Newdow claims that his daughter feels alienated because her peers and teachers say the Pledge of Allegiance, while she just stands around. Guess what, Newdow: She's going to be feeling really alienated when she is cast into the Frost Pits of Agony. By Queskic's Beard, man, you are screwing your daughter over in the worst way! She should feel alienated — she's wrong!

There are some crazy, misguided people out there. They celebrate things like Christmas and Hanukkah, instead of the Winter Purge of Keldor. Or they have holy days on Saturday or Sunday, instead of Wednesday. Wednesday, also called "Hump Day" because Meldor the Messiah was hunchbacked, is obviously the most holy of days. Looking back on the teachings of the prophet Gork, it was he who said in the book 45, verses 12-15:

"12) In the universe there is a right and a wrong.

13) What I say is right. What the others say is wrong.

14) Wednesday is the holy day of Meldor. And since I say it, it is true.

15) Whatever is in this book is true and the word of God. Any other book that claims to have the word of God is a book of lies. Don't believe it. If you do, you will be killed, then resurrected, and then tortured by Miltok."

I remember hearing those verses at the local temple, during my Trials of Manhood, and how they rang true to me as I suffered the Test of Enduring Pain. I knew, as I hung from those hooks by my nipples, that I was not only becoming a man but an American. America is about brotherhood. For Men to rule society the way God wants us to. Without God, we would have nothing. He gave us everything. Even the things we worked really hard for and had to figure out for ourselves. And it is up to us to live the way He wants us to live.

This country, however, was founded on the principles of Freedom. But freedom comes with limits. People aren't free to kill other people. Heck, people aren't free to kill themselves. So why should we allow them to destroy their immortal souls? That's right. We shouldn't. And thankfully our congressmen know this. When this mad decision was made to take "Under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance, the Senate endorsed our true pledge in a 99-0 vote and the House by a 416-3 vote. Our country is safe. For now. But this case may very well go to the Supreme Court one day. And it will be up to all of us to pray to Zolzar. Perhaps he will change the hearts of the unbelievers. Hopefully he'll just send the Roknas to devour their genitals.

So, congressmen, judges, and even you, Mr. President, it's time to give this country the direction it needs and give Zolzar his due. "One nation, under Zolzar, with liberty and justice for all who believe in Zolzar." Amen!

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