With the primary season in full swing, each candidate needs to find the perfect slogan for his or her campaign. Fear not: I’ve gone to the trouble of doing the heavy lifting for them... 

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES

Joe Biden: "If You Squint, He Looks Kinda Like Clinton"
PRO: Would remind voters of his physical similarity to one of
America's most popular presidents
CON: Could remind voters of his physical similarity to one of
America's least popular First Ladies

Hillary Clinton: "Aw, Hill Yeah!"
PRO: Gets attention in critical urban markets; posits her as the true
African-American candidate for president
CON: Voters may confuse with popular Will Smith catchphrase

Chris Dodd: "Dodd Looks Like A Maybe"
PRO: Pundits might take message to heart and upgrade his candidacy
from "snowball's chance" to "remotely possible, I suppose"
CON: Spending remaining cash on appearances by Aerosmith to perform
live at campaign stops may not be most efficient use of funds

John Edwards: "Did You Ever Hear About The Time My Son Died?  Do You
Have Five Minutes?"
PRO: Anyone who's never learned of the haunting personal tragedy of
Wade Edwards would gain sympathy for the candidate
CON: Research indicates there are no living Americans, of voting-age or
otherwise, who haven't heard John Edwards talk about his dead son

Mike Gravel: (who?)

Dennis Kucinich: "I Really DID See A U.F.O., Okay?"
PRO: As the only candidate to have admitted to seeing a U.F.O., would
be the clear favorite of nerds everywhere
CON: Election date in November conflicts with MonsterCon08, no polling
available at the Minneapolis Holiday Inn

Barack Obama: "I Want This Country To Be An Obama-nation"
PRO: Highlights the candidate's skillful verbal wordplay
CON: Voters may confuse campaign slogan with the abomination of the
last seven years

Bill Richardson: "Because He's Totally Hispanic, Unless You Have A
Problem With That, In Which Case He Sounds Vaguely Nordic"
PRO: Reminds voters that he is the only candidate of Hispanic descent
in the race
CON: Reminds voters that he is the only candidate of Hispanic descent
in the race

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REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

Rudy Giuliani: "[add noun] [add verb] 9/11"
PRO: Forces everyone to focus on candidate's signature issue
CON: Proof that Joe Biden was right; may be too reminiscent of wacky
party game "Mad Libs" (now available at local bookstores!)

Mike Huckabee: "Jesus Knows Me"
PRO: How can you lose with Jesus – you can't
CON: Might be too similar to that horrible Genesis song

Duncan Hunter: "I Have Enough Cash On Hand To Last Through February"
PRO: Inspires donors to contribute to campaign
CON: Gives away date in which candidate will inevitably drop out of race

Alan Keyes: "We've Got A Black Guy Too"
PRO: Highlights the party's inclusiveness
CON: Racially-confused GOP voters may vote for the other black guy by mistake

John McCain: "Remember When I Wasn't So Goddamn Crazy?"
PRO: Assertive message would stand out amongst competing slogans
CON: Voters may remember when he wasn't so goddamn crazy

Ron Paul: "No, Seriously, I Am Running For President"
PRO: Definitively answers any lingering doubts voters may have about
campaign viability
CON: Slogan not immediately appealing to Klan members, serial killers,
tax evaders and conspiracy theorists

Mitt Romney: "If You'd Vote For A Flip-Flopper Over A Mormon, Then I'm Your Man"
PRO: Takes that whole 'M' word off the table
CON: I think the 'pro' up above might actually be a 'con'… it depends
on the circumstances

Tom Tancredo: (too late)

Fred Thompson: "Your Wife Isn't As Fuckable As Mine"
PRO: Easy excuse to feature vaguely erotic photos (of Mrs. Thompson
only) on campaign signs
CON: Would turn off resentful married men whose wives are indeed not as fuckable