What's the worst that could happen if same-sex couples marry? You'd be amazed at the possibilities ...
For once, I'm in complete agreement with the Bush administration — marriage between a man and a woman must be protected at all costs. I know, I know — those of you who've read my previous critiques of George W. Bush are probably surprised by my stance on this issue. You were probably expecting me to go on and on about the hundreds of young men and women who continue to get killed in Iraq because of Bush's shady dealings and shitty diplomacy. But I'm sorry — when Rosie O'Donnell gets married TO ANOTHER WOMAN, all of those dead kids have to take a back seat. We need a constitutional amendment, and we need it now!
The key word is protect. When other forms of marriage become legal, it is a fact that they will target and destroy traditional guy-on-girl marriage. Gay marriage, multi-partner marriage, and interspecies marriage are nothing more than forms of terrorism, and as G.W. has thankfully made clear time and time again, America is against terror! (By the way, since we're at war with terror, can we send some soldiers in to attack Freddy Vs. Jason? That movie scared the crap out of me.)
And I'm not kidding about the interspecies marriage. While we're all being distracted by those fags trotting up and down the San Francisco city hall steps, events are transpiring overseas that pose the gravest of threats to our sacred institution of marriage. Just last year, a nine-year-old girl in India married a stray dog! Those dirty brown foreigners are MARRYING FUCKING DOGS! U.S. Intelligence, you've dropped the ball once again.
Oh, you think that kind of "animal husbandry" can't trickle across our borders? Ha! The precedent is already there: In 1975, when the County Clerk of Boulder, Colorado began briefly issuing same-sex marriage licenses, dog-breeder Roswell "Ros" Howard tried to marry his horse! Luckily, the license was refused because "Dolly" was only 8 years old and couldn't provide consent in writing from her parents. But the message was clear — once gay marriage becomes legal, all sorts of immoral activities will follow. Howard may not have been serious about getting hitched to his horse, but you can bet that once gay marriage is legal, every sneaky Muslim in this country will be serious about saying "I do" to his cow — dead serious.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The issue at hand is legalizing gay marriage. Many of you out there think we should just go ahead and do it. After all, who is it hurting? Well, ye of little foresight, allow me to paint a picture for you (don't worry, I'm not really painting — it's just my clever metaphor for the future): Let's say that before G.W. can use his Bic erasable to correct the Constitution, you and all of your fey liberal congressmen and their atheist judge buddies get together and stop him. Now, because of your little activist minority — some of whom are probably the same wimps who overturned those state antimiscegenation laws in 1967 — gay people everywhere can get married.
Suddenly, traditional marriage is no longer protected.
So, here comes Swingin' Steve and his boyfriend Bruce, all gussied up in their mustaches and pink tuxedos (or maybe even gowns), strolling out of the chapel with Uncle Sam's blessing. Johnny Lunchpail sees this on the 11 o'clock news and thinks, "Well if just anybody can get married, then what's the point? It used to be that only a man and woman could legally share control of medical decisions, control of property, and invoke spousal privilege in court — now that just anybody can do it, I'm not special anymore!"
Suddenly, Johnny and millions like him stop loving their families. Because of the gays, normal people stop putting effort into their marriages and allow themselves to get fat and boring. Children of traditional marriages no longer get attention from their parents, many of whom even get divorced, a phenomenon entirely unheard of before gay marriage. The only children not being neglected by their parents are those adopted by gay couples, and obviously nobody wanted them anyway. And because these foster rejects are raised by homos, they grow up all swishy and pacifist. Gone are the manly-men of yesteryear; after the legalization of gay marriage, the America of the future becomes soft, fat and weak.
And it is at precisely this moment that THE DOG-MEN ATTACK!
Parachuting from their terrorist jet-planes, ripping our effeminate soldiers apart with their impossibly strong jaws, the spawn of a thousand Indian dog-weddings take America apart state by state. The dead are used as chew-toys, the survivors imprisoned. America becomes nothing more than an oversized fire hydrant for our canine oppressors, and all the while God does nothing, sternly allowing us to reap the rewards of our sinful permissiveness.
As our descendents shuffle mindlessly from the fields to the kennels, their backs aching from hours of digging for bones, do they discuss gay marriage? Do they continue to defend their constitutional right to pursue happiness? Do they still argue that the "almost equal" status offered by civil unions is unacceptable? Do they?
The answer is no. No, they don't. For, you see — slaves cannot marry.
George W. Bush has said that marriage is "the most fundamental institution of civilization." I agree with him. If we refuse to protect heterosexual marriage, we're refusing to protect the very fabric of society, and we can only pray that we don't live to see the Dog-Men humping the spirit of freedom out of our grandchildren.
In order to prevent this future, American activists must stop causing trouble and listen to the wisdom of our leaders. Gay marriage is immoral, ugly, and against the will of God. Those who pursue same-sex nuptuals are ultimately pursuing the ruin of Western civilization. There is only one kind of gay marriage stamped, sealed, and approved by George W. Bush, and that's the gayest marriage of them all: the marriage of church and state.