The right slogan can get anybody elected. Even Mike Gravel?
With the primary season in full swing, each candidate needs to find the perfect slogan for his or her campaign. Fear not: I’ve gone to the trouble of doing the heavy lifting for them...
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES
Joe Biden: "If You Squint, He Looks Kinda Like Clinton" PRO: Would remind voters of his physical similarity to one of America's most popular presidents CON: Could remind voters of his physical similarity to one of America's least popular First Ladies
Hillary Clinton: "Aw, Hill Yeah!" PRO: Gets attention in critical urban markets; posits her as the true African-American candidate for president CON: Voters may confuse with popular Will Smith catchphrase
Chris Dodd: "Dodd Looks Like A Maybe" PRO: Pundits might take message to heart and upgrade his candidacy from "snowball's chance" to "remotely possible, I suppose" CON: Spending remaining cash on appearances by Aerosmith to perform live at campaign stops may not be most efficient use of funds
John Edwards: "Did You Ever Hear About The Time My Son Died? Do You Have Five Minutes?" PRO: Anyone who's never learned of the haunting personal tragedy of Wade Edwards would gain sympathy for the candidate CON: Research indicates there are no living Americans, of voting-age or otherwise, who haven't heard John Edwards talk about his dead son
Mike Gravel: (who?)
Dennis Kucinich: "I Really DID See A U.F.O., Okay?" PRO: As the only candidate to have admitted to seeing a U.F.O., would be the clear favorite of nerds everywhere CON: Election date in November conflicts with MonsterCon08, no polling available at the Minneapolis Holiday Inn
Barack Obama: "I Want This Country To Be An Obama-nation" PRO: Highlights the candidate's skillful verbal wordplay CON: Voters may confuse campaign slogan with the abomination of the last seven years
Bill Richardson: "Because He's Totally Hispanic, Unless You Have A Problem With That, In Which Case He Sounds Vaguely Nordic" PRO: Reminds voters that he is the only candidate of Hispanic descent in the race CON: Reminds voters that he is the only candidate of Hispanic descent in the race
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REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES
Rudy Giuliani: "[add noun] [add verb] 9/11" PRO: Forces everyone to focus on candidate's signature issue CON: Proof that Joe Biden was right; may be too reminiscent of wacky party game "Mad Libs" (now available at local bookstores!)
Mike Huckabee: "Jesus Knows Me" PRO: How can you lose with Jesus – you can't CON: Might be too similar to that horrible Genesis song
Duncan Hunter: "I Have Enough Cash On Hand To Last Through February" PRO: Inspires donors to contribute to campaign CON: Gives away date in which candidate will inevitably drop out of race
Alan Keyes: "We've Got A Black Guy Too" PRO: Highlights the party's inclusiveness CON: Racially-confused GOP voters may vote for the other black guy by mistake
John McCain: "Remember When I Wasn't So Goddamn Crazy?" PRO: Assertive message would stand out amongst competing slogans CON: Voters may remember when he wasn't so goddamn crazy
Ron Paul: "No, Seriously, I Am Running For President" PRO: Definitively answers any lingering doubts voters may have about campaign viability CON: Slogan not immediately appealing to Klan members, serial killers, tax evaders and conspiracy theorists
Mitt Romney: "If You'd Vote For A Flip-Flopper Over A Mormon, Then I'm Your Man" PRO: Takes that whole 'M' word off the table CON: I think the 'pro' up above might actually be a 'con'… it depends on the circumstances
Tom Tancredo: (too late)
Fred Thompson: "Your Wife Isn't As Fuckable As Mine" PRO: Easy excuse to feature vaguely erotic photos (of Mrs. Thompson only) on campaign signs CON: Would turn off resentful married men whose wives are indeed not as fuckable
