In his inaugural column, our resident self-improvement guru confronts the celebrity drunk driver in all of us.
Touched.
This is the word we often use to describe "crazy" people, a shortening of the colloquial "touched in the head." It’s an easy method for writing off those who are different than us: "Oh, and don’t be surprised if Jerry puts those turtles in his pants – he’s a bit touched." It makes us feel better, superior to others.
But honestly – aren’t we all a bit touched?
Take one of my clients, Mary. She’s a 28 year old paralegal, twice divorced, who compulsively clutters and cries whenever she sees a Jew. Just watching her walk down the street, gum wrappers falling from her pockets, tears rolling down her cheeks, one might be tempted to say that Mary is touched. But would you say the same thing if you knew that Mary was raised in an ultra-restrictive household where even the slightest bit of tidying up was met with a sound beating? Probably not. Would you use that same word if you knew that Mary was once abducted by space aliens? Maybe. Until you found out that those space aliens... were Jewish.
Not so touched now, huh?
The truth is that there’s something wrong with all of us; we’re all touched in a way. You, dear reader, probably think that you’re overweight, overly gay and unfit to raise children. And you’re probably right. But being as pathetic as you are doesn’t mean that you can’t heal and plan to accomplish your dreams. It starts with identifying those outside forces that have caused your defects.
It starts with touching yourself.
And I’m here to help.
***
Welcome to Touch Your Self Help. I'm Dr. Chad*.
For years, I have helped people just like you touch themselves through my lectures, writings and one-on-one sessions. My clients have ranged from world-famous celebrities to complete assholes nobody even recognizes. My patented techniques for self-advancement, such as The List and The Purchase, have inspired ordinary citizens to become captains of industry and have made thousands of children rich beyond their wildest dreams. Yet, I have remained “in touch” with myself, a humble, handsome servant to all humankind.
As this is my inaugural column for The Simon, I'm tempted to relate the details of my personal story – my years of struggle, my stunning night of revelation, and my long, hard path to redemption. I feel as if I should perhaps give an overview of my many proven self-help techniques (which I share with all who seek them and do not keep a "secret"). However, since I'm quite sure that you're just as impatient as you are fat, I've decided to jump right into a topic, as I will in every column, and let you pick up the details along the way. Who knows, you may have already picked up on something!
This week, I'd like to discuss a despicable practice in our culture, a practice known as drunk driving. Almost 18,000 people are killed every year in alcohol-related traffic accidents**, and almost every single one of these accidents is caused by a crazy celebrity. Okay, maybe not every accident, but it sure seems that way, huh? A night doesn't pass without another famous person being busted for DUI – Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Paris, Nicole and Lindsay – Bill Murray on a goddamned golf cart – and now Kiefer Sutherland! By the way, wouldn't it have been cool if Kiefer had secretly inserted a dart into the breathalyzer, fired it into the cop's jugular and then escaped through a manhole? Wow, look at that Jack Bauer go!
Seriously, though, I shouldn't joke. What Mr. Sutherland did was very careless and he's just lucky he didn't kill anybody. I mean, how many drinks did he have, anyway? 24?
(Sly smile.)
Okay, okay - obviously, there is an underlying problem at work whenever anybody decides to drive after imbibing intoxicating substances such as alcohol, marijuana or Air Infusions Ocean Blue Glade (with its subtle blend of natural scents, so sweet to huff). And that problem is addiction. The addiction to going places.
Where did Kiefer really need to be, anyway? Where do any of us really need to be, other than with ourselves? Think about it. All of us spend so much time in our cars every day, stuck in traffic, listening to jerks on talk radio who think they know everything. It's enough to make anybody crazy, even if they've got a nice buzz going. And all that pollution! It's a well documented fact*** that the pollution from our cars is not just warming up the globe and killing off polar bears, but is also making us very upset in our past lives. Did you know that I was once a famous Roman Orator known for his romantic poetry, and that now, because of all this pollution, I was also known for coughing? Look it up the next time you think about going for a drive in your Hummer, cocktail in hand or not.
Tell you what – why don't we all just take a moment to touch ourselves and discover why we're so eager to be somewhere else all the time. Are you ready? Good. Let's begin.
To properly touch yourself, first find a quiet place, perhaps a shower stall or closet, and relax. If this is the first time for you, know that touching yourself can be a little scary. You've got a lot of things built up inside that may be difficult to let out. If it helps, imagine that I'm there with you, touching myself. I know that I'm imagining you.
Now, find that zone in your body that feels a little uncomfortable and touch it with your mind (or whatever). Okay – think back. Who was the first person to insist that you go somewhere other than where you were? Was it Mommy, trying to get you out of the room while she vacuumed? Or maybe it was Daddy, so sick of your goddamned crying that he just didn't want to see your ugly face anymore. Whomever it was (probably Daddy), go ahead and forgive them. If there's one thing I've said over and over to my clients, it's that grownups don't know everything. The truly horrifying truth is – those grownups that you knew as a child were just as hopelessly messed up as you. But it wasn't their fault. As you'll come to learn through my writing, nothing is ever anybody's fault. Ever.
Okay. You've discovered the forces that have compelled you to go places. Now let's focus on the future – on change. As many of you know, one of the main tools I use when effecting change is The List. With The List, you can plan to accomplish almost anything, simply by writing it down. I'll discuss the details of this patented methodology in later columns. Right now, let's go ahead and put it into practice. What are some things you can do to avoid going places, and therefore avoid driving to them drunk? Already thought of some? Great, let's write them down on our list:
Things to Do Instead of Going Places
-Stay in bed.
-Don't answer phone, door, or to sound of own name.
-Make a drawing!
See, by using The List, you have now unlocked the power of intent. You may not stop going to places, but at least now you've got a written record of the fact that you were trying to stop. Say you didn't have this written record. You get in your car with a bellyful of Sierra Mist, drive off a cliff and smash yourself to pieces on the rocks below. What would people say about you? They'd say you were an irresponsible bastard, that's what. But what if they were to find your list among the remains? "God bless him," they would then say. "He was trying to stop going places, but going places just got the better of him. Or her, if it's a woman reading this column and imagining herself in this hypothetical situation."
Wow. See? Just by using my simple methods, you've already risen in the estimation of your peers. It's almost like you're a celebrity yourself! Way to go!
Well, I hope you've enjoyed touching yourself with me, and I hope we've all learned a thing or two about drunk driving (reminder – it's bad). Take care of yourself, and please be sure to check back in with me next time – it can only get better. I don't mean this column, of course – I mean your shitty life.
***
*Title self-granted.
**Sadly true.
***Actually documented only in this article, and not very well.
Touch Your Self Help provides biweekly self-improvement advice that you never in a million years could have come up with on your own, loser.
