After Michael Jackson halted jury selection for his child molestation trial to be treated for the flu, a hospital memo was discovered detailing the guidelines for his care.
From: Daniel Larson, MD, Medical Director, Marian Medical Center
To: All Physicians and Staff
Re: Care for Michael Jackson
Ladies and Gentlemen,
As most of you already know, our medical center will for a short time be caring for pop superstar Michael Jackson. He was admitted to the Emergency Department today with symptoms of "flu," and it is our duty to see that he leaves here healthy and ready to continue with his trial. If you don't know what trial I'm referring to, please see me so that we can discuss scaling back your hours.
Now, I'm sure that you're all very excited to have a celebrity in our facility — however, I find it necessary to remind you that all of our patients are special and none should be shown preferential treatment. I would also remind you that I won the Santa Maria Putt Putt MiniGolf Tournament of Champions four times in a row back in the '90s, so I'm sort of a celebrity, too. I got my picture in the paper a lot back then. So... you should be kind of used to the attention. That's all I'm saying.
Anyway, to continue, all of our patients are important, blah blah blah... BUT, we do need to be careful about certain things when treating Mr. Jackson, because, after all, he is more important than our other patients. I mean, let's be honest — I want Mrs. Slack to get over her lymphoma and everything, but the only thing she's ever recorded are minutes for her church bake sale committee. Mr. Jackson recorded Thriller, for Christ's sake. That said, I would appreciate it if you would all adhere to the following guidelines:
Mr. Jackson has NOT been convicted of any crimes and, as he himself has said, "deserves his day in court." I will not tolerate any derisive remarks in our hallways about Mr. Jackson's alleged proclivities, nor will I allow this very sick man to be treated like a criminal. As far as we are all concerned, Mr. Jackson is completely innocent until proven guilty, and should be treated with dignity and respect.
By the way, "Bring Your Children to Work Day," originally scheduled for tomorrow, has been cancelled for the time being due to... weather and stuff. Unrelated, I know, but I thought I should mention it. So leave the kids at home tomorrow. Please.
I've informed Mr. Jackson personally that he will not be allowed to wear his sequined, military-style pajamas while in our facility, and must be adorned in a gown the same as everybody else. However, in order to stop the endless crying, my wife has graciously dropped by with her spangler and spent a couple of hours "souping up" the gowns herself. If Mr. Jackson requests additional spangles for his gown, DO NOT refuse him. Just spangle 'till he quiets down and get on with your business.
Whoever has been marking the "Caucasian" box on Mr. Jackson's chart needs to cut it out. Mr. Jackson is African-American, and it is important that he is designated as such, since race is crucial for determining a patient's risk factors. For example, African-Americans are far more likely to be afflicted with sickle cell anemia than Caucasians — when we check a patient's chart, we need to know if we should be looking for that. Besides, the whole joke about MJ being a white guy was already stale when Bad came out. You might as well be making jokes about Pepsi setting his hair on fire. Lame.
Mr. Jackson has requested that nobody make eye contact with him while he stays with us. Please don't write this off as just an odd celebrity quirk — two orderlies have already gone catatonic. If you must, use a reflective surface to check Mr. Jackson's neurals, like Perseus did when he fought Medusa.
Anybody swabbing Mr. Jackson's cheeks to collect DNA and sell it on Ebay will be terminated immediately. We must not exploit our patients for personal gain. We must also do our part to prevent the creation of any Michael Jackson clones or robot-clone hybrids. Tempting? Yes. Moral? No.
Please — no photos. Mr. Jackson refuses to have his picture taken while in a weakened, non-made up state. Also, he would like me to pass on his apologies for the smell. This "perfume barrier" is just Mr. Jackson's way of keeping fans from getting too close, and due to certain glandular implants, he is unable to turn it off.
If ANYBODY asks — reporters, family members, priests — Mr. Jackson is in our hospital being treated for "flu-like symptoms." He is not here to disrupt and delay his trial, gain the sympathy of the public, or surgically enhance himself with a pair of leathery, bat-like wings that will finally allow him to fly just like Peter Pan, escaping his oppressors and spreading joy to all the male children of the world. Nope. It's just the flu.
Remember when Mr. Jackson's hair caught on fire during that Pepsi commercial? HA! Hilarious.
So those are the guidelines — please adhere to them strictly and avoid leaking them to the press. If you feel that you must leak something, I have a confidential press release about my mini-golf scores over the past month. My game is looking pretty damn sweet, and, according to sources, reigning Putt Putt Queen Lindsay Jarvis may feel the wrath of a returning champion this year!
Here's to the health of our nation, and to the health of Michael Jackson, our national pastime —
Dr. Larson
The Weekly Memo is a biweekly behind-the-scenes look at the revealing correspondence of our most fascinating thinkers, leaders, celebrities, and weirdoes.
